VIDEO GAMES

5 Ridiculous & Overly Specific Simulator Games

Looking through PC game new release lists lately, I'm puzzled by the apparent abundance of what I like to call "Monotonous Task Simulators". These games take the idea of Flight Simulator or Train Simulator (which, if you ask me, already push the boundaries of dullness) and develop similar games in which you perform jobs or activities which were not inherently interesting in the first place. So imagine a Carpet Sample Choosing Simulator, or an Ethnic Grocery Store Vandalism Simulator, or a or Being Forced To Reiterate The Point You Made Only Moments Before Because Nobody Was Listening Simulator.

OK, so obviously those aren't real games (yet), but with deathly serious titles like Fork-Lift Truck Simulator and Garbage Disposal Simulator being released frequently, it's not too far-fetched to assume that some day someone might develop a "Fail In Your Attempt to Make a Cat's Cradle To Impress a Rodeo Clown" Simulator. As insane as the idea might seem, I'm sure there'd be an audience for it somewhere.

But hey, here's a short list of five of the dullest/weirdest simulator games available today.

Christian Game Review: Splinter Cell Conviction

Hello fellow Christians, and welcome to yet another edition of Christian Game Reviews: The hottest place to find godly reviews of all your favorite animated games! This time around I'm taking a look at Splinter Cell: Conviction, a fighting action game for the Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo Wii, and Gameboy videogame systems. As is typical for an obscenely violent game full of sex with minors, homosexuality, and gambling, Splinter Cell: The Conviction has been garnering rave reviews from the secular press.

But while this may be good enough cause for John Q. Parent to run right out and purchase this game for Little Billy, those who live by the law of The Lord would do well to think twice before plunking down their hard-earned Christian dollars on this little jaunt through Sodom and Gomorrah.

20 (More) Daring & Beautiful Cosplayers

20 More Desperately Beautiful Cosplayers

One day I'm going to run out of photos of nerds dressed in ridiculous costumes.

That day is not today.

Gonna ride this train all the way to hell.

20 Videogame Cosplayers Who Inspire Sadness

Dear Awkward People Who Dress Up As Videogame Characters Against Their Better Judgement,

Thank you for existing and providing such joy.

Signed, Me.

Quest For Time 2010 UpdateTacular!

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
Greetings all, from the lands of Dverz, Anthroes, and Hurans! For those of you who are wondering what the Sam Hell I'm talking about, it's the MMORPG Online Game I've been developing known as The Quest For Time. I know it's been quite some time since I've updated y'alls on the development, so I figured I'd throw a ripe, juicy bone into all my fans by sharing some new info on what I've been cooking up in the land of Valderanianaiae.

FAIR WARNING: Spoilders abound, so those of you who are planning to play the game on release might want to pass up this article, because I reveal key plot points in both the Elle Swamp questline and the Anthroe romance story! So consider yeselves warned!

Christian Game Review: Bayonetta

Hi there fellow Christians. My name is Lucas Bell, and I'm a professional video game reviewer and professional video game lover. I began writing game reviews in 1988, when I noticed the godlessness that pervaded most popular videogames at the time. These games contained dinosaurs, rock and roll, and kissing. Sorry game developers but the only kissing I'll be doing is with the lord, through prayer, so count me out!

Since I knew there was no chance of games being created for true Christians (Christians are now a minority!) I decided to begin reviewing games from a Christian perspective so that others would easily avoid those which contain demonics, disrespect of the elderly, or sex with children (as most games nowaday do!)

Today I'll be taking a look at Bayonetta, a game which is about as far from God's holy love as one can get without being in hell itself. Please be warned that this review is not suitable for children.

Terrible Films Made Beautiful: The Hero of Time

Awful Film Fights: Double Dragon

January 14th 2096
Mother is sick again. I doubt she will make it another day, let alone a week as Doctor Fonsworth says. It is a cold world...

Note: Took a fight scene from the movie Double Dragon and added some music to it. Haven't seen Double Dragon yet, but found a great Amazon customer review which seemingly tells me everything I need to know about it:

From my point of view this movie is great!It may not be as good as the game but is still good.There are some funny parts and no swearing.Just to let you know that this movie is double the fun and double action.And also this is double dragon!

Here is the video. I hope you enjoy it.
Yours Truly In Love,
Stephen.

Unforgivable Game Design Sins

As someone who most people would consider to be pretty annoying, I'm in a good position to know what's bothersome and what isn't. So I've decided to go through a few little things in videogames which annoy me. This is stuff that developers should easily be able to fix, but they're either too stupid, or too lazy to do it. They shouldn't be able to get away with all this crap. Someone has to call them out! Obviously I can't do it, because what pull do I have? All I do is run this piece of crap site.

The only thing I really can do is write a half-assed article bitching about these things on this website (which, again, nobody ever reads). Guess I'll just do that then. That'll learn em.

DO YOU REMEMBER ARCADES THOSE WERE GREAT

I have a rule that I don’t start an article with pointless, seminonsensical puns. For example, if I were writing about those games at arcades which give out tickets it might’ve been something like: “Sometimes making children feel like winners is ‘Just the Ticket’ for someone who wants to succeed in the arcade business!” or “Sometimes a visit to the local arcade is like being in a ‘Ticket Tape Parade’, you never quite know what'll come up!”

But I won’t do that. Instead, I think I'll just write whatever random crap comes into my head, and when it seems to have gotten too long, I'll stop abruptly. Yeah. That's what I'll do.