Sainted / Tainted
Sainted/Tainted: Sobriety & Truckers
Helping
one another is what keeps communities strong. If you happen to see your
elderly neighbor struggling to carry a bag of groceries up her stairs
you, obviously you're going to stop and help. There are a number of
moral reasons for this, but since I can't think of any specific ones
right now you'll just have to take my word for it. Wait, heres one: She
might die soon and leave you her old 1992 Chevy Malibu. It might not
seem like much, but I'd say it'd probably be worth about a grand if you
wanted to sell it.Sainted/Tainted: Heart Attacks & Ren Fest
What
would the world be like if we only did good things for others? Would it
be a better place to live? These are the questions I often ask myself
as I callously brush past a homeless person on the street or gleefully cut
someone off in heavy traffic. I never seem to get an answer though. It must
be that I don’t care. Anyway, being kind to others seems like it would
be a lot of work. Today’s Sainted/Tainted features annoying ringtones, poorly-made cookies, heart attacks, and the Renaissance Festival.
Sainted/Tainted: Speeders & Harry Potter
Oftentimes
I laugh aloud as I read the Sainted/Tainted portion of the newspaper. I
think this is because I am a bad person. I enjoy seeing ordinary
people’s petty annoyances and meaningless good deeds splayed across the
page as if they are somehow important. I laugh because they are not. I
laugh and I laugh and I laugh. And then I cry for a while. I usually
don't stop crying until I fall asleep. I have a hard life.So let us scream together while reading the following stories: Man Hit By Car, Reckless Drivers Speed Through Neighborhood, Rude Theatergoers, and more! THERE'S SO MUCH MORE I CAN'T HANDLE IT!
Sainted / Tainted 8: Whites & Death
There
comes a time in every young boy’s life when he’s got to go out and make
his own way in the big wide world. At that time, he will be a man.
Nobody can truly say what sort of a man he will be. The old saying goes something like “Show me a boy when he turns thirteen, and I will show you the man he will be.” What garbage. Anyway, todays Sainted/Tainted features Barbies, Pickpockets, Male Chickens, and old women. Oh I'm sure it'll be just fascinating for you.
Sainted / Tainted 7: Children & Drunks
Children
are wonderful gifts. We should all be so lucky as to have a one
sometime. But those of us who hate children or are asexual will
never experience childjoy unless we somehow manage to accidentally
knock somebody up or reproduce spontaneously, which is a little sad. So
on a barely-related note, today’s
Sainted/Tainted features only complaints/kudos from a child's
perspective. Read it if you want to, but I'm not going to try and force
it on you.Sainted / Tainted 6: Roadrage & Fireworks
Yeah
yeah, I heard it all before. I don't think anybody wants to see another
one of these articles. But I can't help it, I get tons of mail from
people who just want to vent about their frustrations with the world.What do you mean "you thought these articles were fake"? Frankly I'm offended. Do you really think I would waste my precious time writing this crap? It would take forever and nobody would even see it.
Sainted / Tainted 5: Stolen Icecream & The YMCA
More real stories from the highway patrol. (Note: This article may not (and most certainly does not) contain even a single reference to the highway patrol or anything like that (except for in this first part)). Thanks!
Sainted / Tainted 4: Cellphones & Obesity
It doesn't take much to make a stranger's life better. It also doesn't take much to ruin it for a short time. I would recommend trying both to figure out which feels best for you. Who knows, you might just be featured in a future article of Santed & Tainted! Do you dare dream?
Sainted / Tainted 3: Psychotropics & Patriots
In this issue of Sainted / Tainted we've only printed letters from war veterans. Theirs are a voice which is often lost in the hustle and bustle of everyday life. Please take some time out of your day to visit a war veteran or something. Nah, I changed my mine. It doesn't really matter.
Sainted / Tainted 2: Wheelchairs & Roofjumpers
By Kevin
In today's episode of Sainted & Tainted: Wheelchair Accidents, Elderly Roofjumpers, Identity Theft, and much more!
In today's episode of Sainted & Tainted: Wheelchair Accidents, Elderly Roofjumpers, Identity Theft, and much more!
