Young Pickup-Artist With Fedora
It's no secret that I'm a something of a "lady's man". Any time I leave the house, an all-female sex riot never fails to break-out. Elderly women whip flashdrives filled with homemade pornography at me from passing senior citizen mobility buses, and young girls fling themselves nude and shrieking from suspension bridges and balconies in the hopes of attracting just a moment of my attention.

Frankly, most of the time all I need to do is raise my thumb and aim my index finger at a woman as if I'm preparing to fire an imaginary flintlock pistol, and a woman'll have torn her clothes off and tackled me before I am even able to pretend to pull the imaginary trigger, causing the imaginary flint to strike the imaginary frizzen and ignite the imaginary gunpowder and propelling an imaginary lovebullet into her heart (causing her to fall deeply in love with me).
Of course this is not always the case. On occasion, I do come across women who (for whatever reason: blindness, foolishness, lesbianism) don't immediately realize how utterly captivating I am. Women like these always require a bit of convincing before they'll begin demanding sex from me. Fortunately, this process is not overly complex or difficult, provided you know all the right things to say (which of course, I do). And Double-Fortunately, I'm more than happy to share some of these "right things" (great pickup lines) with you.

And please, there's no need to thank me. I don't perform public services like these for accolades. A good deed is its own reward.

The Largely Inaccurate PC Troubleshooting Advice Column

 PC Troubleshooting Advice Column
Computers don't always work the way we want them to, so from time to time I like to spend a few moments answering a few of the many tech-support questions I receive from readers. Why they choose me, a complete stranger who runs a website entirely unrelated to computer support and has heretofore expressed neither the willingness nor the ability to answer any technological questions, I do not know. But this does little to change that these people need help, and I'll be goddamned if I leave them out in the cold just because of their stubborn refusal to adhere to logic.
So this week I'll be helping readers out with a few of their basic computer-related questions. You're welcome!

How To Not Know How To Fix Cars

Car RepairThere are many types of men. There are ingenious men, effeminate men, chessplaying men, steel-driving men, and men who play electric guitars. Some men wear derby hats and play pingpong, and others comb their filthy sideburns while whistling tunelessly. It's a hell of a thing.

I think my point is that it would be pointless to assign traits to ALL men, seeing as there are so many endless combinations of beliefs, abilities, and mental illnesses a single “man” can possess. But that doesn't stop people from trying: Men drive cars like this! Men love to fistfight! Men never ask for directions! Men eat corn chips! Men open cans of soup by heaving them at obstructions!  It's obscene. But anyway, now comes the part where I tell you about one of the manthings I don't know anything about: Fixing Cars.

Advice Column: Tommy's Paranormal Advice

By Tommy Perkins

Hello everyone I am here again to answer more advise about things people want to know. Today the people at this web page said I will get questions about super natural things they said. I said, what does that mean!? They said, now tommy its like aliens and werewolfs and things like this. It sounds pretty scary. I hope I dont get too scared tonight when writing it.

It is dark out now.

Advice Column: Tommy's Advice

TeensBy Tommy Perkins
The man on this web place said I should make my own colum and then answer question from people about what to do. He says it is called advice column (asked how to spell it) and all I have to do is read the questions and answer them how I think. I asked doctor Jonson at group about this and he said yes tommy that would probably be good for you. I hope it isnt too hard to do though. Sometimes writing lots can be tough turkey.

This time they said I will get some questions from teen-ages. OK that sounds fine to me I guess. I don’t know much about that anymore because I am more than thirty years but alright Ill give it my best.

Advice Column: Raising Kids

Kids Cage I really like kids. Well, I like the older ones that can do things, but I’m not too hot on babies. I mean, what good are they? They can’t talk, they can’t walk, and they can’t play the piano. They can’t perform any tricks at all.

What, are you going to try to tell me that grasping someone’s finger is a trick? What a joke. No, they don’t do anything; they just sit there looking at you those dumb creepy cow eyes in their crumpled little faces. Now I will answer some questions about how to raise children.

Advice Column: Cars Cars (Cars)

Cars fixedFrom time to time I like to use this website to help people out. What can I say, I'm a charitable person. Some people even call me "The Giver", believe it or not. One of the services I provide is this advice column. Unfortunately, hardly anyone reads this website, so I don’t get many emails.

It also probably doesn’t help that I never actually told anyone about this column, how it works, or how to participate. But no matter, I found a bunch of automotive questions on various internet forums and I’ll just answer those here instead.

Advice Column: Computer Trouble

Burnt ComputerI like to think of myself as a computer expert. Once, when I was helping my friend install a new CD-ROM drive I didn’t feel like waiting for it to reboot. I decided to install it while the computer was still running. I took out the old drive and slid the new one in.

Then I tried to connect the power cable, but I guess I inserted it at a bad angle, because there were sparks, the lights in the apartment dimmed, and the computer immediately shut down. Everything was fried and I had to get him all new parts. So yeah, I think I’m more than qualified to answer technical questions about computers.

Advice Column: Relationship Trouble

Relationship I feel I have a lot of good advice to give, but usually nobody wants to hear it. Oftentimes I find myself reading newspaper advice columns and angrily shouting out the answers to the questions people have asked.

Usually the other patients get scared when I do this. Then the lady in the white dress says it's time for me to take my blue and white pills. Then I don't feel anything for a while and I watch some shows on the TV. In celebration of this, I will now answer a number of random relationship questions which were not posed to me in the first place.

Anger Advice

M. Anger answers your questions about anything and everything. In today's column: Dead pets, angry mothers, drunks, and debt.
Syndicate content

What Now?