Go ahead and play with matches. See if I care.
Burglar. Chrome. Governor. Dispassionate. Leathery. Crouching. Molybdenum. Horatio. Turtleneck. What do these words have in common? You guessed it: None of them would ever be used to describe the aftermath of a devastating fire. Another thing you don't often hear after a fire is "Boy, that small child was sure a big help during the fire. It's a good thing they were properly educated in the art of fire safety."

This is not to say that children are worthless during a fire. Obviously their unconsious forms can be stacked against walls to facilitate access to otherwise unreachable portals of egress, and certainly fastening a number of the pudgier kids around your waist before you leap from a dangerous height would greatly improve your chances of surviving impact, but this isn't I'm talking about. This article is meant educate kids about how they can make themselves useful before they black-out, not after.

Now by this point you may be saying, "You talk a big game old man, but why don't you put your money where your fat mouth is and tell me exactly what I, the average non-firefighting child, can actually do to survive a fire?". A fair question, to be sure, but I'm not sure why you needed to phrase it so rudely. Honestly. I'm only trying to help here.

In fact, you know what? I'm not even sure a kid like you deserves quality fire safety tips. Why should I waste my time educating angry, spiteful little shits? Tell you what: Since you obviously aren't interested in my actual fire safety tips, I'll create a list of fire safety tips especially for undeserving, mouthy children who don't respect their elders.

This should teach you.

Worthless Guide To Survival - Part 8: The Ocean

Sea CalmNow you’ve done it. You’ve caused us to be stranded at sea in a lifeboat. I’m not sure how you let this happen, but I guess there isn’t anything to be done about it now. I suppose we just try to stay alive until we're rescued.

Hmm ... sooo what's been happening with you guys lately? Anything interesting? No? Yeah same here ... Hmm, what's this under my seat? Hey check it out guys, a first aid kit. Let's see what we've got: Aspirin...ibuprofen...triple antibiotic...bandages...hey what the hell are these, cough drops? What's the point of that? Yeeck, menthol too. Nasty. Hey get a load of this: tweezers. That's pretty cool.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 7: SurvivalChat

Chat Room Welcome to a special OSTENSIBLY INTERACTIVE edition of Worthless Guides. After writing a number of informational guides about survival in various environments (which can be fond HERE), I decided to try a different way of helping those in need.

So I set up a public chatroom calling it SurvivalChat, and advertised that anyone who had survival questions was welcome to join the channel and chat with me. What follows is a transcript of the first session. (Also, to spice things up, I have placed a number of random images with colorful borders throughout the article.)

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 6: The Cold

ColdI know a lot about surviving in the cold, alright? I live somewhere called the Midwestern United States, ever you heard of it? Yeah, that's what I thought. Here's how the seasons work here (and why I know so much about the cold):

Winter (11 Months): It's true.  

Spring (15 Days) Temperatures rise to sightly above freezing. Snow turns to cold rain.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 5: Islands


Being stranded on a desert island is no laughing matter, for death is always close at hand. The possibility for escape is almost nonexistent. The ocean is filled with ravenous sharks. If you stay in the sun your virgin flesh will be charred so severely that it will simply slide from your flank like a tender cut of veal. If you attempt to take refuge in the foliage you will instantly be set upon by millions disease-ridden insects and hissing reptiles will drop down on you from the trees. But it isn't all bad. Wait, actually it is. Better just keep reading.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 4: Urban Environments

When most people think about survival they usually imagine themselves hurling crude spears at boars in the Amazon, or brushing snow from their beard as they slog through waist-high snow wearing a bearskin overcoat. These images come from the most common survival scenarios (Disastrous Jungle Treasure Hunt & Arctic Plane Crash, respectively) but it’s important to remember that in some rare cases you may need to “survive” in urban environments as well. In this guide we’ll discuss some useful urban survival techniques such a tailing a thief, surviving a riot, and gently stroking your zombified uncle’s thinning hair as he sputters and dies of multiple shotgun blasts to the face and eyes.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 3: Mountains


By Henry

Have you ever seen a mountain before? The answer is simple: Yes you have. It is a piece of land that got shot up out of the ground and snow fell on top of it. But the real question is, “How do I survive in the mountains?” This is what I hope to answer in this mountain survival guide. Inside you will learn about how to live off the steep mountain land, how to dodge an avalanche, and also how to battle the fabled "mountain man".

The Baron's Prison Survival Guide

PrisonBy Martin "The Baron" Hubley
The idea of going to prison is a scary one indeed. If you're like me you’ve spent a lot of time thinking about how well you would handle yourself “inside”. You probably think you're pretty hot stuff when it comes to prison self-defense, but what do you really know? Not much.

I, on the other hand, have spent much of my time doing research about prison on the internet and watching prison films and shows (I've seen at least 4 complete films about jail!). So as you can see, I have a lot to offer when it comes to advice on how to survive in “the klink”. So please read on, ladies and gentlemen, for The Baron’s Guide to Prison.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 2: Jungles


By Henry

The Jungles of the world may seem like a lively and fun place to visit, but they can seem cold and uninviting when you are lost inside one. This is part 2 of my survival series, and here I will give you the inside scoop on how you can survive being lost in the jungle. This article will also not contain the phrase “Lions and tigers and bears, oh my!” because it is ridiculous. The jungle has no bears except if you count koala bears or pandas. Are they jungle bears? Probably.

Worthless Guide to Survival - Part 1: Bears

By Henry
Hey survival enthusiasts! So you think you want to survive huh? Well reading this series of guides is certainly the way to get started. I am by no means a survival expert, but I have seen every episode of Man vs Wild, and also Survivorman. Please join me as I take you through the world of keeping alive in the wild, and provide you with tips about what to do in desperate situations.
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