ANIMAL AWARDS

Animal Awards: Worms

WormsFacts about worms: 1. Worms have two hearts; yet they refuse to experience love. 2. Worms do not have eyes; their lives are filled with unseen terrors. 3. Worms have teeth; if provoked, it is possible for a worm to bite a human. 4. Worms begin to drown in soil when it rains; they squirm their way to the surface and lie there writing in agony until they expire.

Yes, the life of a worm is a hard one indeed. But this does little to excuse their behavior. Do you worms think you can just go about your loveless, sightless lives being pulled from a bait bucket and sprawling in rain-soaked streets after a storm? Not on my watch. And don't get me started on nightcrawlers. Those worms are asses.

Animal Awards: Dogs

BenjiA lot of people love dogs, but I have to say I'm not really a big fan. They jump up on you, they smell like an open sewer, they slobber all the time and tear apart your shoes; it's just a huge mess. The same thing goes for celebrity dogs. A lot of people tend to romanticize these animals, but they've got all the same vices as regular dogs. They just didn't show that stuff on the shows.

For example, if Lassie really wanted to be truthful, it would show her coming home each day after rescuing a kid from a fire or whatever she did, vomiting a bunch of guts from a dead gopher she ate onto the couch, and then she would spend the rest of the night running back and forth in the living room barking at a bug on the ceiling. So yeah, dogs are insane, and here are some more famous ones to prove it.

Animal Awards: Cats

Cat PirateI don’t even know what number in the Animal Awards series this article will be. Is it the 6th? 8th? It’s a mystery. But there are many more species to give worst-of awards to; I can’t stop to check now, so let’s just say this is the 9th in an infinite part series. In this one I’ll give out awards to the least accomplished cats in history, which should be interesting because cats never do anything at all.

Oh, and by the way: CATS!

Animal Awards: Dinosaurs

Dinosaurs Dinosaurs count as animals, don’t they? I’m fairly sure they do. Well, it doesn’t really matter because I’m just about to call out the worst of them. Animals or not, some dinosaurs are about to be pissed off. I don’t even care either; I’m tough. I tell it like it is, and if some random plesiosaur doesn’t like it, he can try to email me about it. I’d love to see him try too, with those fins of his.

These are the kind of high-end insults against dinosaurs you can expect to hear in this article, and there’s plenty more where that came from, pal. Intrigued? I thought so.  

Animal Awards: Pigs

Pig FattyAlright, let’s be completely honest here: This is no longer a series dedicated to recognizing the achievements of animals. This is not by design; it’s just the way it happened to play out. See, animals (even fictional ones) almost never do anything worthwhile.

What’s the point of commending the best of the worst? There isn’t one. So from now on, I’m using this space as a platform for rants against lazy animals I hate. And few animals are as worthless as the pig, so I’d better get started on them.

Animal Awards 3: Mice

MouseThe history books are filled with famous mice and rats. Well maybe not the REAL history books. The television and film history books probably are though. But here’s an interesting question for you: Does the fact that these famous rodents are fictional make them any less important in our modern society? I would assume the answer to this is yes, but then again you can never be sure of anything in this crazy world of ours.

I suppose it doesn’t matter anyway though, since I’m going to hand out awards to them anyway. That’s right. I don’t play by society’s rules.

Animal Awards 2: Bears

Teddy RuxpinWithin the animal kingdom I have to assume bears are seen as somewhat of a success story (at least when it comes to show business). I bet you can’t even think of a single television program, business, or radio show which doesn’t prominently feature a bear in some way. Go ahead and try. I’ll wait.

OK. You back? Did you actually try it? If you did, I’m sure you were probably able to think of about a hundred things which don’t involve bears at all. I guess you called my bluff, and I hope you’re satisfied. But in any case, here are my awards for Worst Famous Bears Ever.
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