HEALTH & WELLNESS

7 Ridiculous Ways to Boost Your Self-Esteem

Like many people, I was, at one time, afflicted with crippling self-esteem issues. In the end, it was only through hard work, perseverance, intellectual dishonesty, and the gleeful exploitation of those less fortunate was I finally able to achieve something resembling inner-peace.

So seeing as I have some experience in the field, I figured I'd share with you seven amazing self-improvement tips which will almost certainly help you feel better about who you are.

Myths, Lies, & Freedom: 5 Reasons Bottled Water Is Superior To Tap Water

The more observant among you may have noticed that there has been a fairly extreme smear campaign launched against bottled water by Big Government and the leftist newsmedia of late. This comes as no surprise, as the ability to purchase and casually discard nonbiodegradable plastic receptacles is one of the few personal freedoms which remain available to us in this increasingly socialistic world of ours.

Which is precisely why it is imperative that people realize that claims such as "bottled water creates unnecessary waste", "bottled water is less safe than tap water", or "most bottled water is just tap water that costs 600% more" are nothing more than lies perpetuated by politically correct, freedom-hating rabblerousers.

So with that in mind, please have a look at five of the many reasons why it is your civic duty to consume bottled water over tap water.

5-Hour Energy Drink: Bile-Flavored Scam or Miraculous Nectar of The Gods?

Call me skeptical, but the first time I saw 5-Hour Energy Drink, I immidiately dismissed it as a scam. I mean, all the telltale signs were present: 1. The price was relatively high. 2. The words "Energy Supplement" were present on the bottle. 3. The label appeared to have been designed by a semiliterate child and printed on a cheap laser printer in some meth addict's basement. 4. It was sitting on the counter at a filthy gas station next to a container of laser pointer keychains and Playboy bunny lighters. So I think you can forgive me for concluding that the whole thing wasn't on the up-and-up.

But in the interest of semi-science (internet science?) I decided to buy a few bottles of 5-Hour Energy Drink, do some research on the ingredients, and perform a few test-drinks to see what effect this shining example of Ostensibly Shady Energy Drink Marketing would have on my hypercynical, overly suspicious mind. The results of my experiment are contained in the following article, which is guaranteed to thrill, educate, and excite you (provided your standards are low enough).

Top 10 Reasons to Use Herbal & All-Natural Remedies

Top 10 Reasons To Take Herbal & All-Natural Remedies

FDA-Approved medicine is for suckers. In case you hadn't heard...all-natural remedies are the wave of the future! Why go all-natural? The reasons are so simple that even uneducated people who don't believe in taking pills can understand them: Health and Happiness. Studies have shown that those who use herbal remedies are far healthier and far happier than those who use over-the-counter and prescription drugs. If you don't believe me, you need only look to the internet to find thousands upon thousands of poorly written Angelfire webpages cryptically citing studies of indeterminate origin as proof that herbal remedies are effective.

So since I'm such a huge proponent of haphazardly ingesting untested substances to cure illnesses I may or may not have, I've decided to make up this list of the ten best reasons to switch over to all-natural remedies.

How To Say No To Drugs

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
How to Stay Off Drugs - The Baron

Alright kids and teens, here's a little math problem for you: Every day 1 million of people die from doing a drug. half of the population on the earth is children. have you figured out the answer? That's right: Half a million kids die every day because of drugs. Still say smoking on a stick of Mary Jane is "cool"? I thought not.

But even after hearing this shocking stat, some of you might still assume it's OK to take "just one" suck of dope. That it's fine to drink "just one" cup of LSD. A few of you might even believe it's "alright" to just eat "just one" piece of cocaine. But the path to drug addiction is steep as a dragon's brow. Take just one step on it and suddenly you've bought yourself a one-way ticket to losersvilles. One day you're captain of the football group and the next you're on a street corner selling your football champion trophy to buy more meth pills.

How To Be Possessed By a Demon

Many of you might think that demonic possession sounds like "a good time" or that it might be a "neat" way for you to "get some kicks". This could not be further from the truth. Not only is being possessed by an evil spirit unpleasant, it can also be dangerous! I recall one particular story which our family pastor related to me when I was a child and would sleep over at his house on weekends and have bathing suit hug parties. It went a little something like this: A little girl was playing with a Ouija board and accidentally called forth the spirit of 15th President James Buchanan. The spirit possessed her. She then proceeded to use foul language, pulled cushions off the sofa, and casted a spell which made the water in the kitchen sink get sucked into the faucet instead of coming out when it was turned on, which was fairly inconvenient. This just goes to show you that demonic possession is no laughing matter.

But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't help but be possessed by a demonic spirit. It's just one of those things that happens to us from time to time, like pimples or leg cramps or lustfully watching an entire season of Sailor Moon while drunk on Absinthe. So read on to get some tips and tricks on how to live your life as the puppet of a demon.

How To Lose Weight (A Needlessly Insulting Guide)

Guest Post From Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw

Howdy folks, I'm Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw, and I'm here to with some tips to help ya'll lose some weight and keep it off for good. Using my good old fashioned down-home country-living common-sense approach to advice-giving, I'll make sure the lard drops off your ample behinds just as sure as a coonhound at a rodeo loves eatin' truffles out of a fountain during a superbowl sunday hootenanny.

But don't assume I'll coddle you. Don't assume I'm gonna be "Politically Correct". You've read plenty of Mothering P.C. weight-loss books and look what it's gotten you: A whole bowl full of nothing. What you folks need is some good hard love. Some no-nonsense honest advice. What you need is a heapin' spoonful of Phil.

And by God I intend to give it to you.

I Am Hypochondriac

Hypochondriacs are people who worry excessively about contracting an illness. Upon experiencing the slightest physical discomfort, they will often overreact, becoming absolutely convinced that they have some kind of serious disease. I am one of these people. For example, If I were to get an abnormally bad headache, I would not think "Man, this headache is worse than usual!" I would think "This headache is caused by a monstrous brain tumor. I will die in 3 weeks." and immediately begin hyperventilating while scrawling out a makeshift will on a restaurant napkin.

How To Die

If we're going to be honest here, there are really only a few real options when it comes to death: You can either die of old age (natural causes), you can happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (unlucky), or you can off yourself (suicide). Obviously there isn't too much I can't tell you about the first two that isn't common sense, and giving advice about suicide? Nuh-uh. Count me out. Aside from the occasional "I wonder what would happen if I just jerked the wheel and drove right off this overpass" style daydreaming, I haven't even thought too much about offing myself. Better to keep my mouth shut.

So pretty much what I'm left with to discuss is the accouterments of death (you know, the stuff that comes along with it), which I have broken down into three sections: 1. The Fate of Your Immortal Soul, 2. What You Leave Behind, and 3. Your Last Words.

So read on if you wish to know how to die properly.

6 Popular Smells I Do Not Appreciate

In a previous article I went over 6 SMELLS THEY SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE INTO CANDLES. This article was a runaway success (racking up over 6 views in a mere eighteen days) so in light if this I've decided to take a look at the 6 candle scents I would most definitely not like to see, or rather, six popular smells I do not appreciate (as it says in the title up there). If those descriptions are too complicated for you though, you can also think of this article as Six Smells I Hate, or These Six Things Stink, Get Rid of Them. Or if that's still too complicated you also can think of this article as the other article (the one about good smells)'s evil twin. Here, I'll even give it a goatee so you can tell the two apart. It is my understanding that every evil twin is supposed to have a goatee.