Health & Wellness

Top 10 Reasons to Use Herbal & All-Natural Remedies

Top 10 Reasons To Take Herbal & All-Natural Remedies

FDA-Approved medicine is for suckers. In case you hadn't heard...all-natural remedies are the wave of the future! Why go all-natural? The reasons are so simple that even uneducated people who don't believe in taking pills can understand them: Health and Happiness. Studies have shown that those who use herbal remedies are far healthier and far happier than those who use over-the-counter and prescription drugs. If you don't believe me, you need only look to the internet to find thousands upon thousands of poorly written Angelfire webpages cryptically citing studies of indeterminate origin as proof that herbal remedies are effective.

So since I'm such a huge proponent of haphazardly ingesting untested substances to cure illnesses I may or may not have, I've decided to make up this list of the ten best reasons to switch over to all-natural remedies.

How To Say No To Drugs

By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
How to Stay Off Drugs - The Baron

Alright kids and teens, here's a little math problem for you: Every day 1 million of people die from doing a drug. half of the population on the earth is children. have you figured out the answer? That's right: Half a million kids die every day because of drugs. Still say smoking on a stick of Mary Jane is "cool"? I thought not.

But even after hearing this shocking stat, some of you might still assume it's OK to take "just one" suck of dope. That it's fine to drink "just one" cup of LSD. A few of you might even believe it's "alright" to just eat "just one" piece of cocaine. But the path to drug addiction is steep as a dragon's brow. Take just one step on it and suddenly you've bought yourself a one-way ticket to losersvilles. One day you're captain of the football group and the next you're on a street corner selling your football champion trophy to buy more meth pills.

How To Be Possessed By a Demon

Many of you might think that demonic possession sounds like "a good time" or that it might be a "neat" way for you to "get some kicks". This could not be further from the truth. Not only is being possessed by an evil spirit unpleasant, it can also be dangerous! I recall one particular story which our family pastor related to me when I was a child and would sleep over at his house on weekends and have bathing suit hug parties. It went a little something like this: A little girl was playing with a Ouija board and accidentally called forth the spirit of 15th President James Buchanan. The spirit possessed her. She then proceeded to use foul language, pulled cushions off the sofa, and casted a spell which made the water in the kitchen sink get sucked into the faucet instead of coming out when it was turned on, which was fairly inconvenient. This just goes to show you that demonic possession is no laughing matter.

But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't help but be possessed by a demonic spirit. It's just one of those things that happens to us from time to time, like pimples or leg cramps or lustfully watching an entire season of Sailor Moon while drunk on Absinthe. So read on to get some tips and tricks on how to live your life as the puppet of a demon.

How To Lose Weight (A Needlessly Insulting Guide)

Guest Post From Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw

Howdy folks, I'm Celebrity Doctor Phil McGraw, and I'm here to with some tips to help ya'll lose some weight and keep it off for good. Using my good old fashioned down-home country-living common-sense approach to advice-giving, I'll make sure the lard drops off your ample behinds just as sure as a coonhound at a rodeo loves eatin' truffles out of a fountain during a superbowl sunday hootenanny.

But don't assume I'll coddle you. Don't assume I'm gonna be "Politically Correct". You've read plenty of Mothering P.C. weight-loss books and look what it's gotten you: A whole bowl full of nothing. What you folks need is some good hard love. Some no-nonsense honest advice. What you need is a heapin' spoonful of Phil.

And by God I intend to give it to you.

I Am Hypochondriac

Hypochondriacs are people who worry excessively about contracting an illness. Upon experiencing the slightest physical discomfort, they will often overreact, becoming absolutely convinced that they have some kind of serious disease. I am one of these people. For example, If I were to get an abnormally bad headache, I would not think "Man, this headache is worse than usual!" I would think "This headache is caused by a monstrous brain tumor. I will die in 3 weeks." and immediately begin hyperventilating while scrawling out a makeshift will on a restaurant napkin.

How To Die

If we're going to be honest here, there are really only a few real options when it comes to death: You can either die of old age (natural causes), you can happen to be in the wrong place at the wrong time (unlucky), or you can off yourself (suicide). Obviously there isn't too much I can't tell you about the first two that isn't common sense, and giving advice about suicide? Nuh-uh. Count me out. Aside from the occasional "I wonder what would happen if I just jerked the wheel and drove right off this overpass" style daydreaming, I haven't even thought too much about offing myself. Better to keep my mouth shut.

So pretty much what I'm left with to discuss is the accouterments of death (you know, the stuff that comes along with it), which I have broken down into three sections: 1. The Fate of Your Immortal Soul, 2. What You Leave Behind, and 3. Your Last Words.

So read on if you wish to know how to die properly.

6 Popular Smells I Do Not Appreciate

In a previous article I went over 6 SMELLS THEY SHOULD PROBABLY MAKE INTO CANDLES. This article was a runaway success (racking up over 6 views in a mere eighteen days) so in light if this I've decided to take a look at the 6 candle scents I would most definitely not like to see, or rather, six popular smells I do not appreciate (as it says in the title up there). If those descriptions are too complicated for you though, you can also think of this article as Six Smells I Hate, or These Six Things Stink, Get Rid of Them. Or if that's still too complicated you also can think of this article as the other article (the one about good smells)'s evil twin. Here, I'll even give it a goatee so you can tell the two apart. It is my understanding that every evil twin is supposed to have a goatee.

5 Smells They Should Probably Make Into Candles

Gotta tell you: Not a big fan of the whole scented candle thing. Never have been. The problem is that these scents they choose for the candles are just so uninteresting. Like, I'm looking at the website for Yankee Candle right now. Look at these "top-selling" scents: Fresh Cut Roses? Tropical Fruit? Lilac Blossoms? Booo-ring! You might as well just crawl into your casket right now if you think those are interesting, because brother: You're already dead.

Then, look here, they have Beach Vacation AND Beach Walk. What the hell is the difference!? What, beach Vacation just smells like plain beach, and then for Beach Walk they include the smells of all the soiled condoms and discarded syringes you find washed up on most beaches? Awesome.

But anyway, these scented candle makers really need to get more creative or they are going to go out of business. Luckily I've decided to help them out by compiling this list of the candle scents I'd most (and least) like to see.

Idiots! Stop Wasting Your Money On Homeopathy!

Oh my god. What is wrong with you people? Why on earth are you purchasing all those homeopathic remedies? Stop wasting your money on homeopathy! It’s really starting to get on my nerves!

Hey! I saw you sneaking those homeopathic remedies in next to the real pills; don't think I didn’t notice that! That doesn’t BELONG there. That isn’t MEDICINE. Get rid of it! Put it in the zen health food store, or the yoga foundry, or the new-age bakery, or wherever it is you people go these days. Maybe Whole foods. Yeah. Take that shit out behind a Whole Foods and dump it. I want the alley behind that store to look like the Salvation Army! And the next time I'm in a pharmacy I had better not see anymore bottles of Zicam next to the NasalCrom. If I do, I’m going to go ape. I mean it. I will tear that store apart. Now if you'll excuse me, I've got an article about homeopathy to write poorly.

Airborne: Nose Candy For Noses

What is Airborne? Why, a popular dietary supplement of course! Like most other dietary supplements, it has never actually been proven to do anything. People still enjoy spending money on it though, because it's the easiest way for them to feel like they're taking care of themselves without actually having to do any real work (such as exercising or not eating twelve Ho-Hos in an hour).

I'd been hearing a whole lot about this fascinating product lately, so out of curiosity I decided to purchase a bottle. Then I thought about how much work that would be and decided against it. Then I thought, "Eh, what the hell, I might as well just go do it." and got up from my chair. But as I began walking toward the door, I thought I felt a bit of a headache coming on and figured I'd better lie down for a minute. Then I fell asleep. I didn't end up buying any of the Airborne after all. But I did compile these 100% TRUE FACTS about it.

Archived