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This week in news: Bar code scanners causing tourette's, deliberate projectile vomiting on children, whale rape, and gas pedal pressing fetishists.

Also, I'm reasonably certain that's the most insane sentence I've ever written.

I am not gay. Meaning: I am attracted to women and not men. Recently I went to see a movie with my male cousin, who is married (to a woman), and also straight (as far as I can figure). I hadn't eaten that day, so I decided to get two orders of sickeningly overpriced nachos and a huge Dr. Pepper. All this food was to be eaten by me and me alone, partially because my cousin was smuggling his own food in, but mostly because I am selfish.
 
The intrigue came when the clerk was to hand out the straw. Apparently he had done some calculations in his head about my cousin and I, so instead of handing out a single straw, he gave us two (so we could "share", see?) We both started to laugh, and for a moment I considered calling the clerk back over and forcing him to watch while I expressed my sincere intention to engage in sexual intercourse with females while simultaneously groping the elderly woman in line behind us. But seeing as I wasn't really offended or anything, I decided against it.
 
Instead, I decided to punish the establishment itself by casually littering with the second straw in the theater at a later time. I ended up chickening out and just throwing it away, but the lesson remains clear: Don't assume that a guy has sex with other men, because he might throw garbage on the floor.
 
But anyway, here are the top five signs someone you know might be gay.