PARANORMAL
Ghosts, Monsters, Aliens, & The Occult
The Haunting
I glanced at the clock. 6:04. The show had already begun. Grinding my teeth in anticipation, I flipped on the television. A fierce battle sequence erupted on screen. I rocked and squirmed in my chair, punching the air and feeling every blow. Captain Niros kicked a bandit in the face, sending him tumbling to the bottom of a steep incline, where he was graphically impaled on a number of jagged rocks. Suddenly the title card appeared: "Legendary Journey". I cheered, pumping my fist, and cleared my throat in anticipation of the theme song.
Click, went the television, changing to channel 46. The intro to a funniest videos program blared from the speakers.
"Um, excuse me," I said, to no one in particular, "I was watching that."
How To Be Possessed By a Demon
But sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you can't help but be possessed by a demonic spirit. It's just one of those things that happens to us from time to time, like pimples or leg cramps or lustfully watching an entire season of Sailor Moon while drunk on Absinthe. So read on to get some tips and tricks on how to live your life as the puppet of a demon.
How To Prove Aliens Exist (Plus! Abduction Tips & Tricks)
It has been said that the search for extraterrestrial life is 10% hard work and 90% luck. One man could
spend his entire life gazing at the stars, seeing nothing, while
another could glance up from his book for half a second only to be set
upon by gangs of interstellar rowdies who beat him with silver
truncheons and toss him shrieking into the belly of their silver ship
which roars off into the moonless night, leaving only an half-read copy
of "The Complete Idiot's Guide to The Mafia" and a soiled pair of
undergarments in its wake.Worthless Guide to Monsters: Jersey Devil
I
wouldn't assume that many people reading this are going to have a clue
what the Jersey Devil is. But that's why you're here, isn't it? You're
here to learn. At least I hope you are. Because if you aren't, this
seven dollar grant the federal government gave me to research on the
Jersey Devil is just going to waste. It isn't easy to get these grants you know! Do you people realize how many FORMS I had to fill out for this? Eighteen. And that's just the ones I made up. Actually I made all of this up. Lies are my tool.
Worthless Guide to Monsters: Ghouls
What
led me to write this article was a conversation I had about ghouls with
a coworker the other day. I said, “Hey, what exactly IS a ghoul
anyway.” He ignored me, turning a page in his book. “Is a ghoul the
same thing as a ghost? Maybe it's more like a zombie. But I think
ghouls are smaller, and I thought they had pointy ears...”“Mmm.” My coworker said, without looking up.
“What about a gremlin?” I continued, “Maybe a ghoul is a type of gremlin. Oh! Or maybe it's a goblin! That sounds more like it. But hey, what's the difference between a gremlin and a goblin anyway? I don't think they're the same thing.” He still wasn't paying any attention, but it didn't matter. My mind was made up. “When I get home I'll look up ghouls on the internet.” I said.
So I did, and here's what I found out.
Worthless Guide to Monsters: Bigfoot
It’s
surprising how many people actually believe in Bigfoot. They believe
that he exists, they believe actual recordings have been made of him,
and many of them claim to have seen him snowboarding in the mountains
or something. And while the vast majority of these claims are likely just the insane ramblings of pie-eyed Catskill degenerates, I’m still going to write this article about Bigfoot. It isn’t often that the ideas of hill-folk are taken seriously, so I figured I might as well give them a shot. So now: Bigfoot.
Advice Column: Tommy's Paranormal Advice
By Tommy Perkins
Hello everyone I am here again to answer more advise about things people want to know. Today the people at this web page said I will get questions about super natural things they said. I said, what does that mean!? They said, now tommy its like aliens and werewolfs and things like this. It sounds pretty scary. I hope I dont get too scared tonight when writing it.
It is dark out now.
Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 3 - Vampires
For many children, the dream of feasting upon the blood of the living in order to attain immortality is never fully realized. Sure, sucking the blood from a fresh cut on an infant or relative might give a person a cheap thrill, but the joy it brings is hollow and fleeting. So even though you may never be able to be a vampire, that doesn’t stop you from learning something about them, does it? This article compiles the many minutes of research I have done on vampires into one easy-to-ignore page of utter idiocy.
Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 2: Mummies
Have you ever gotten a chill when walking by a pharaoh’s tomb? This is likely caused by the spirit of a mummy. Mummies are ancient creatures which have been around for hundreds of years. Thousands of people have been killed by them. A few have even been captured and are now on display in museums across the globe. I recommend that you go view one or two (at your peril of course). If you don’t feel like heading into some musty old museum though, just read this article. You might just learn a thing or two about mummies.
Worthless Guide to Monsters Part 1.5: Werewolf Q&A
Werewolves are intriguing creatures, and like most other monsters there is a lot of misinformation floating around about them. Luckily I have been asked to shed some light on the subject in this series of monster Q&As, beginning with werewolves (also see the werewolf guide HERE). They have also asked world renowned "monster expert" Art Crumb to co-author these articles with me. Frankly, I'm a bit offended by this, as I have had personal experiences and actually seen nearly every type of monster before (including werewolves). Some of my close friends even refer to me as "The Beastmaster". Impressive, no?
What Next?
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