WEB DETRITUS

Ho hum. Just another boring week of puppies being tossed at motorcycle gangs, cocaine-addicted funeral directors gyrating in the nude, 60 foot tall flaming Jesuses, library/condiment crime sprees, human head smugglers, nearly indecipherable alien abduction stories, and ice cream man turf wars.
 
If only something strange or mildly humorous would occur.

There are certain types of hats that only old men can wear. Fedoras, for example. If you see an old man wearing a fedora, you'd probably think "Look at that old man in his fedora, I bet he used to wear that in the 50s!" but if you saw a 20 year old wearing one, your thoughts would almost certainly be along the lines of "Hey, check out that asshole the fedora. Who he think he is, Humphrey Bogart?"

I think my point is that we all wear different hats in life (Baker, Communist Dictator, Avant Garde Beard Trimmer) but no hat is so important as the hat a father dons the day his child is born (the hat of fatherhood). This hat is often a harbinger of male postpartum depression, so be sure and keep a close eye on the man, for the time being.
 
And now the news.

This time around: Toddlers Flung Through Windshields, Voodoo Grave Robbers, Sleeping Gas, An Innocent Man Requesting Guns From a Lawnmower, Abandoned Blind Women, and Nude Photos of Steven Seagal. OK, maybe not nude nude. Nude except for his clothes and shoes and eyes.
 
Also, from now on I'll be including a short list of links to cool stuff (top 10 lists, guides, infographics, etc) from around the internet. These will be at the end of the article under the heading of "Link Roundup", so go ahead and skip there if you want to see the best stuff (i.e. the stuff that wasn't written by me). But I hope you'll enjoy clicking the links as much as I enjoy pasting them on the page and subsequently hitting enter.

I'm not going to insult you people by trying to pretend that this wasn't a slow news week. It was. Even for shitty "not-really-even-close-to-being-news" news. Seriously, look what I have: A story about a man asking for piggyback rides, alternative medicine fanatics getting what they deserve, a huge pile of corpses left to rot, and a Tony Danza fansite from the late 90s.
 
I think what I'm really trying to say here is: Don't read this article. There are far better ways for you to spend your time. Like attempting to slice some bread with a length of thin wire. Or seeing how high you can kick. Or talking to yourself in the shower. Stuff like that, you know?