REVIEWS

I INVITE YOU TO WASTE YOUR MONEY ON THESE LAUGHABLY OVERPRICED APPLIANCES

I Invite You To Waste Your Money On These Overpriced Appliances
In this chaotic, advertorial, multibranded world of ours, it can be difficult to know precisely how much value one is actually getting for one's money. The best solution to this problem is to carefully research your purchases beforehand, but this can take time and effort, and it's not half as much fun or easy as just buying whatever seems the neatest.
 
The other alternative is to rely on idiotic folk wisdom like "you get what you pay for". But of course, whenever any reasonably wealthy person follows "you get what you pay for" to its logical conclusion they end up buying German cars, $7 bags of "organic" corn chips, and eight thousand dollar sets of Bose speakers simply because these were the most expensive options available to them at the time.

Anyway, here's a bunch of entertainingly-overpriced crap.

Corrupted Nostalgia: Fireball Island

Fireball Island Box
When it comes to toys, children have ridiculously low standards. A kid will play with anything. If you don't believe me, pick up any random object (a sheet of paper, a handful of broken glass, a bunch of loose change clumped together because someone spilled syrup or something in the cup holder) and hand it to a two-year-old. Chances are they'll begin playing with it, and good many of them will probably try to eat it too. That's how openminded kids are; when it comes to potential toys, everything gets a fair shake.

Alas, the same cannot be said of adults. As humans age, we develop "tastes" and the ability impose "value judgments" upon "objects" people "hand to us". For example: If you were to offer a full-grown woman a bucket filled with antifreeze and say "Drink this, it's antifreeze", she would almost certainly refuse. Not so with a child. In fact, a recent survey conducted by the Pew Research Center found that a full 100% of children surveyed happily drank antifreeze out of a bucket. So yeah, in conclusion...uh...kids...and, umm...they love...not good...boardgames?

Dammit. I blew it. This segue is the worst. There's no way I can make it work now. I guess I'll just have to start the article manually. Hold on a sec, let me find the thing here. Alright, got it. Let's see if this works.

Here goes...

Christian Game Review: Fallout New Vegas

Christian Videogame Review: Fallout New Vegas
Christian Game Review: Fallout New VegasIn 1997, the PC game Fallout was released. Its violently cynical godless worldview easily captivated hundreds of gaming atheists, and spawned numerous (and similarly detestable) sequels, the latest of which is entitled Fallout: New Vegas. In the article that follows, this reviewer will be taking a look at the world of New Vegas from a true Christian perspective. I'll detail each sin committed by the developers of the game in-depth, as well as offering some godly advice (and good old-fashioned biblical scholarship) along the way.
 
NOTICE: This review should not be viewed by women or children. The shocking and brutal nature of this game's source material made it nessecary for me to describe drug use, instances of blasphemy, and graphic descriptions of various sex acts in detail to give parents a better idea of what their children are getting into these days. Consider yourselves warned.

Amazon Oddity: 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs

Amazon Oddity: 12000 Trichogramma Pretiosum Eggs
I don't think I'm exaggerating when I say that this box of organically protected Trichogramma parasite larvae is a must buy for those whose plans for world domination hinge on the cultivation and subsequent release of thousands of tiny Hymenopteran insects.

Amazon Oddity: All That The Rain Promises And More...

Amazon Oddities - All That The Rain Promises & More
The old "don't judge a book by its cover" adage has never made much sense to me. You can tell a lot about a book like this one by looking at the cover. I mean, any idiot could see that it's a field guide for picking wild mushrooms which was written by an impishly deranged trombone enthusiast named David who enjoys feigning the thievery of large quantities of fungi while wearing a cheap 80s tuxedo.

Engrish Movie Reviews: Year 2010 Summers Blockbust

Engrish Movie Reviews
This summer, patron must gird throbbing loins with the fun which the large expensive film can bring. Which is to say: Loving will induce a fun. Respect the joyful picnic. The summer movie proposes this: Escape your trouble! Escape the career which you is miserable! Escape the nagger cruelty of a wife whom pulverizes your joy! In the paid theaters, your environment is controlled in compliance with pleasant temperature. Appearing on the screen is a coitus grudge which improves the virility of men who view it.
 
From here we list the films: Iron Man 2, Macgruber, and Crown Prince of Persia. Speak these, becoming satiated. Acclamation inserted!

5 Absurdly Specific Simulator Games Whose Existence I Find Puzzling

5 Ridiculous & Overly Specific Simulator Games
Looking through PC game new release lists lately, I'm puzzled by the apparent abundance of what I like to call "Monotonous Task Simulators". These games take the idea of Flight Simulator or Train Simulator (which, if you ask me, already push the boundaries of dullness) and develop similar games in which you perform jobs or activities which were not inherently interesting in the first place. So imagine a Carpet Sample Choosing Simulator, or an Ethnic Grocery Store Vandalism Simulator, or a or Being Forced To Reiterate The Point You Made Only Moments Before Because Nobody Was Listening Simulator.
 
OK, so obviously those aren't real games (yet), but with deathly serious titles like Fork-Lift Truck Simulator and Garbage Disposal Simulator being released frequently, it's not too far-fetched to assume that some day someone might develop a "Fail In Your Attempt to Make a Cat's Cradle To Impress a Rodeo Clown" Simulator. As insane as the idea might seem, I'm sure there'd be an audience for it somewhere.
 
But hey, here's a short list of five of the dullest/weirdest simulator games available today.

Review: 6 Overrated Films From The IMDB Top 250

6 Overrated Films From The IMDB Top 250 - Star Trek
In case you hadn't noticed, I'm this guy who runs his own website. This makes my opinion only slightly more valuable than some random guy in a baseball cap who signed up for IMDB and gave The Truman Show 10 stars. Only slightly more valuable, but more valuable nonetheless.

So you just know that when I decide to review of a number of fairly old films which I believe to be wrongfully beloved, people are going to listen. And by "people", I mean "not very many people at all and possibly nobody". And by "are going to listen", I mean "are going to skim the intro and maybe the first paragraph and before clicking over to an article written by somebody with actual talent".

In any case, here is a short list of movies I don't really like that somehow made it on the IMDB Top 250, causing me to become slightly exasperated.

Christian Game Review: Splinter Cell Conviction

Christian Game Review - Splinter Cell Conviction
Christian Game Reviewer - Lucas BellHello fellow Christians, and welcome to yet another edition of Christian Game Reviews: The hottest place to find godly reviews of all your favorite animated games! This time around I'm taking a look at Splinter Cell: Conviction, a fighting action game for the Xbox, Playstation, and Nintendo Wii, and Gameboy videogame systems. As is typical for an obscenely violent game full of sex with minors, homosexuality, and gambling, Splinter Cell: The Conviction has been garnering rave reviews from the secular press.
 
But while this may be good enough cause for John Q. Parent to run right out and purchase this game for Little Billy, those who live by the law of The Lord would do well to think twice before plunking down their hard-earned Christian dollars on this little jaunt through Sodom and Gomorrah.

Review: Amazon Oddities

Amazon Oddities - Shirt Bib
You might not be aware of this, but AMAZON sells some truly weird shit. Unfortunately, finding these products is not as easy as it could be. It works like this: Items which are deemed worthy of the "Amazon Oddities" label can be tagged by customers as an "Amazon Oddity" and will then be shown HERE, for your theoretical amusement. This would be fine, except there's nothing stopping hundreds of random unfunny idiots from tagging any product they think is "cute" or "hilarious" as an Amazon Oddity. So unless you feel like sifting through 100+ pages of sex toys (tee-hee!), cheesy gag gifts, and children's books with the word "poop" in the title, you probably won't have much use for the list.
 
But luckily for you, I've decided to do my part for society and review five of the most useful Amazon Oddities: The Gambler's Mustache, A Large Boulder, 4500 Live Ladybugs, The Pig acupuncture Model, and The Home Gastric Bypass Kit. I know it's not much, but it's the least I can do to help.
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