NERDS

In case you haven't noticed, LAN (Local Area Network) parties have becoming increasing popular in recent years. And by "increasingly popular" I mean "substantially less popular due to the fact that they are quickly becoming pointless and redundant alongside the proliferation of high-speed internet".

So I guess I'll write a guide about them?

It is still not uncommon for the general public to assume that all videogamers are socially inept losers prone to uncontrollable outbursts of intense and inexplicable violence. This is incorrect. In reality, only 65-72% of males who play videogames on a regular basis fit this description, so obviously it's slightly unfair to generalize.

Also, this really only applies to these men while they're playing games. The rest of the time, they're normally quite calm (if not downright docile). But place any one of these gamers in a situation where they believe themselves to have been "wronged" or "cheated" during a game, and a whirlwind of grisly violence is sure to ensue. Very rarely will this tantrum seemed to have "come out of nowhere". More often than not there is an easily perceived buildup of hostility which takes place before The Ragestate occurs.

This article should serve to educate the rest of you in the recognition (and subsequent containment) of any videogamer who flies into this ragestate.

Computers don't always work the way we want them to, so from time to time I like to spend a few moments answering a few of the many tech-support questions I receive from readers. Why they choose me, a complete stranger who runs a website entirely unrelated to computer support and has heretofore expressed neither the willingness nor the ability to answer any technological questions, I do not know. But this does little to change that these people need help, and I'll be goddamned if I leave them out in the cold just because of their stubborn refusal to adhere to logic.
 
So this week I'll be helping readers out with a few of their basic computer-related questions. You're welcome!

As far as I'm concerned, the term "Nerd" has been rendered all but meaningless. I wouldn't use it at all, except I'm not sure how else I'm supposed to describe people who play World of Warcraft for 33 hours straight while listening to a single Dragonforce song on repeat, or who will say "lawl" out loud without a hint of hesitation or self-consciousness. So let's just say I'm updating Nerd for the 21st century. Now, instead of pocket protectors, glasses, and Dungeons & Dragons, Nerd signifies an unreasonable love of anime, horrifyingly frequent postings on message boards, and a complete and utter lack of anything resembling originality.
 
These are the social cripples, the sniveling masturbators. Rejected (some would say rightly so) by their schoolyard peers, they have sought refuge amongst the similarly-damaged youths who make up the online collective. Here, they are given the opportunity to climb a reverse social ladder, one in which the individual is not rewarded for attractiveness, physical prowess, cleverness, or the ability to abstain from using racial slurs, but rather by Time Spent Grinding, Posts Per Hour, and (most relevant to this article) The Ability to Deliberately Mimic The Deliriously Annoying & Repetitive Patterns of Speech Favored By One's Online Peers. Which is to say: There are far too many internet nerds perpetuating rock-stupid verbal memes.
 
Below are a few common nerdly phrases which--when used--cause me to become unreasonably upset.