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Sainted / Tainted 7: Children & Drunks

Children
are wonderful gifts. We should all be so lucky as to have a one
sometime. But those of us who hate children or are asexual will
never experience childjoy unless we somehow manage to accidentally
knock somebody up or reproduce spontaneously, which is a little sad. So
on a barely-related note, today’s
Sainted/Tainted features only complaints/kudos from a child’s
perspective. Read it if you want to, but I’m not going to try and force
it on you.

Children
are wonderful gifts. We should all be so lucky as to have a one
sometime. But those of us who hate children or are asexual will
never experience childjoy unless we somehow manage to accidentally
knock somebody up or reproduce spontaneously, which is a little sad. So
on a barely-related note, today’s
Sainted/Tainted features only complaints/kudos from a child’s
perspective. Read it if you want to, but I’m not going to try and force
it on you.

Sainted

White PuppyMy
mommy and daddy who made my doggy ginger better.
What happend is: my
doggy ginger always likes to play with me in my room. She likes
to look out the window up there (my room is on floor two). Then on that
day I said to ginger hey now Ginger you always look out their, maybe
you want to go out their. So then I opened the window and she run out
and fell down there on the back porch.

I look down and she
didnt even move and I think I could see jelly or somethin coming out of
her head. Mommy was in the garden and she screameing oh my god jenny
what have you done and took ginger away in the car. Ginger looked
floppy when she picked her up too. daddy said she was fixing her. Then
the next day mommy brought her back. She is another color now (white)
and she bites but I am glad to have my good dog back. thanks mommy and
daddy.

-Jenny Watson

Tainted

Old LadyThe
old lady who’s purse me and my brother Steve found in the street.
We
rode our bikes all the way to your house to give the purse back to you,
and all you kept saying was “what lovely boys you are” over and over.
“Yeah, yeah, we know lady, but how about that reward?” we were
thinking.

Then you reached in your pocket and pulled out…a Werthers
hard candy? WERTHERS? What the hell! Do you seriously think two kids are gonna ride all the way across town for some damn Werthers? I HATE THAT CRAP CANDY! I knew we should’ve taken that money.

-Rory Calhoun

Tainted

Ticket boothElliot’s
dad.
We put on a show of Oliver Twist at Jefferson Elementary
yesterday. I was at the door handing out tickets when suddenly a
strange man came in. He was walking funny and came up and leaned on the
table and said to me, “Hey there bubbo got any pretzels” in a really
strange voice. His breath smelled really bad and weird, he kept looking
like he was about to fall over.

Then Elliot came out, and I
figured out it was Elliot’s dad. Elliot was really nervous and kept
saying “come on dad, let’s just go home.” But his dad wouldn’t listen
and kept saying something about pretzels and how he wanted to see
Olivia Twist. Elliot grabbed his arm and tried to pull him out the
door, but his dad swung his arm and threw Elliot into the table, where
he hit his head. One of mother’s screamed. The police eventually came
and took them both away. It was a strange night.

-Tony Gibbons

Sainted

Old Man RiverThe
old man who salts the street outside our house.
At first I thought you were
mean, but you’ve actually turned out to be a really good guy. I
remember the first time my brothers told me you put bodies in your salt
bucket and they turned into mummies. I have to admit, that freaked me
out a little bit. But what really freaked me out was seeing you in the
store when I was asking about that toothbrush. I was actually so afraid
I shoplifted by accident. Whoops.

Anyway, thanks for committing assault
on those robbers by caving their heads in with that shovel. I hope you
get back together with your daughter when you get out of prison. It is Christmas after all.

-Kevin McAllister