Stories
The Script for Crash Sucked So I Rewrote it
Hi,
I'm film director Paul Haggis. You might know me as a writer from
various hit family shows such as Walker: Texas Ranger, The Facts of
Life, and Whose the Boss. Most recently I penned the script to the
(triple) Oscar winning movie Crash starring Cuba Gooding Junior, Stacy
Keach, Sandra Bullock, and curmudgeonly TV funnyman William Frawley.Crash was a huge success for me (my biggest ever!), but to be completely honest with you, I was never quite satisfied with the way it turned out. I felt (and the studio disagreed) that the film was far too subtle for most audiences; that they would have trouble determining the motives of characters such as the Overtly Racist Cop, the Jive-Talking Black Car Thieves & the Woman Who May or May Not Resent The Fact That She is Part Mexican.
So that's why I've decided to rewrite Crash entirely, from start to finish. Here's a short excerpt, I hope you enjoy it.
The Vandals on High Street - Chapter 4
Through the haze I saw the arm come down. Watched in horror as the heavy piece of lead drove itself into skull, marveling at the wet cry and spray of blood and bone as it glistened in the air. For an instant, each nodule of blood was fleck of cream. The bone fragments reformed themselves into a buttery orange chocolate-covered garnish. I slid forward, mouth open, reveling as the gooey pieces oozed into my mouth and down my throat. Time snapped back. The boy was on the floor, a dark pool spreading steadily around him.
The Vandals on High Street - Chapter 90
Father Jameson grinned, pressing the cold steel barrel of the revolver into the child's temple.
"Forgive me Father, for I have sinned..." the boy blubbered.
"Shudthefuggup." the priest rumbled, closing his eyes and taking another drag from his cigarette, "It's too late for that."
"He didn't know! He didn't mean nothin' by it, honest!" the mother cried from the doorway, taking a step forward. "He--"
"Back off!" the priest screamed, turning his gun to her, "Back off or I'll blow your brains all over the gawddamn wall!"
"Alright," she quavered, extending her shaking hands, "Alright, I didn't mean nothin' by it I swear, just don't hurt him. I'm sure we can work this out."
"Ain't nothin' to work out," Father Jameson muttered.
The Vandals on High Street - Chapter 1112
On this particular morning however, he had other plans.
"Sqwawk, sqwawk!" he cried, pecking at the air, "Lazy bones make for lazy days! Sqwawk, sqwawk!"
"Uuunnnhhhhhhhhh..." said his sisters.
Sasquatch Faces Rejection After the Apocalypse
When Sasquatch awoke it was
still dark. Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he rolled over on the
rocky ground and looked over at the boy. He was asleep, curled in the
blue plastic tarp they had found in the deserted filling station.
Sasquatch could see that his condition had worsened. His nearly
translucent skin clung corpselike to his cheekbones, and his eyes were
sunken and dark. Even in sleep he drew breath in ragged, wheezing
gasps. Grunting softly, Sasquatch used a paw to smooth the boy's
thinning hair.The sun began to rise. Slowly, the dusty air around them took on a grimy reddish-grey cast. Sasquatch climbed to his feet, stretching and brushing out the red soot which had settled on his fur during the night. He shook the boy gently to wake him, and once each had taken a drink of murky water from the canteen, Sasquatch lifted the boy onto the rear seat of the bicycle built for two, and they set off towards Dusttown.
The Vandals on High Street - Chapter 1,648
The Tears of One Thousand Generations
Professor Huntington closed his eyes and whipped the tarp dramatically from the enormous machine. It spanned the entire room, ceiling to floor, and was covered entirely in long, flat, brushed steel panels, creating a kind of false wall."Ladies and Gentlemen," he cried, spreading his arms wide, "I give you the baby crusher!"
The room was silent. Someone coughed. The scuffing of feet on the cement floor was clearly audible. Finally a woman near the front raised her pen timidly into the air. Huntington pointed to her.
"Yes, you there, the ill-proportioned woman in the two-toned body suit."
"Why on earth would anyone want to crush a baby?" she asked, shaking her head. "It's beyond the pale."
Sasquatch Faces Rejection in Husset Park
Sasquatch
is out for an afternoon stroll in Husset Park. He stops at the foot of
a grassy hill to admire a group of wild sunflowers. Suddenly a foam
kickball rolls over the hill, coming to a stop at his feet. He picks it
up, studying it for a moment, then he turns and begins to walk towards
the gazebo."Hey what gives!" comes a voice from behind him.
Sasquatch turns to see scruffy boy in a woman's dress and a battered silk top hat standing at the top of the hill, his hands on his hips. He studies the boy with large, soft eyes, tilting his head to one side and huffing softly.
"That's our ball," the boy says, haphazardly cartwheeling down the hill and coming to a stop at Sasquatch's feet, "Hand it over."
Sasquatch looks down at the ball, and then hugs it to his chest. The boy furrows his brow and glances over his shoulder. From over the hill comes the sound of children shouting, along with something that sounds like the high pitched squeal of a pig. The boy begins creeping towards Sasquatch, wringing his hands. Sasquatch squints his eyes and bares his gums, hugging the ball even closer.
Sasquatch Faces Rejection at The Pine City Post Office
Sasquatch stands inside the lobby of the Pine City Post Office with a confused look on his face."Can I help you with something?" Says the woman behind the counter without lifting her eyes from her book.
Sasquatch walks up to the counter and gently sets down a small white scrap of paper in front of her. He crosses his arms and waits. The clerk sighs, sets down her book, and picks the scrap. She turns it over in her hands, squinting and scrunching up her nose. The words "TOO MOM" are penciled on the front in large block lettering. A small stick figure of a what appears to be sasquatch with long hair has been scrawled hastily underneath.
"Hmm." The clerk frowns, "Hmm."
Sasquatch Faces Rejection at The Tennis Court
Two
girls are playing tennis in the tennis court at foot of some mountains.
In the middle of the match, one of the girls looks up and sees
Sasquatch standing at the edge of the court with a tennis racket
clutched in his paw. "Hey Terri look," she says, pointing, "a
sasquatch." Terri stops in mid-serve and turns towards him."And just what do you think you're doing here?" She places her hands on her hips.
Sasquatch snorts, swatting at the air with his Shiny New Racket and looking hopeful. Terri shakes her head.
"Sasquatches aren't allowed on this court." She says, pointing to a large white sign which displays the silhouette of a hulking figure inside a crossed-out red circle. "Now you had better get out of here or else we'll call the game warden, right Jenna?"
"Right." says Jenna, squinting into the setting sun.
Doomchair: Chair of Doom
As
I explained in a PREVIOUS ARTICLE, an office supply store contacted me
recently asking if I would agree to post a shill review of a "FREE
CHAIR" they would send me. I declined the offer on moral grounds, and
by moral grounds I mean I didn't feel like writing a stupid article
about a boring chair.But then I got to thinking: What if I do write that article after all...but instead of writing it about one of their chairs, I'll write it about a different chair. Yeah! That'll be great! Then not only will I NOT receive a free chair, but I'll also still have to waste an hour and a half writing a pointless and uninteresting chair-related article which nobody would possibly have any interest in reading anyway.
Here I go.
