CYNICAL TOURIST'S GUIDES

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The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Florida

Let's get one thing clear here: I'm not going to be insulting Florida as much as I did in My Tourists Guides For Other States. This is not because I have more respect for Florida than Idaho or Wyoming (although this is definitely the case), but because I am substantially less cool than Florida.

See, in order for me to demean or belittle a US State's status, I must feel (even falsely) that I am in some way superior to the state in question. This is extremely easy to accomplish with ridiculous states like Nebraska or Tennessee, but a reasonably popular tropical state like Florida poses a unique problem for me when it comes to ridiculing it. Namely: I am not cooler than Florida, nor would anybody believe I was even if I faked it. This, of course, makes it almost impossible for me to mock and insult it without coming off like a complete ass.

So, instead of deriding Florida as a whole, I will simply cherry pick the Floridian tourist attractions I find most objectionable and badmouth them individually. I hope this will be more to your liking.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wyoming

While researching this guide, I tried my hardest to find a comprehensive list of "interesting" tourist attractions in Wyoming. It should come as no surprise that I was spectacularly unsuccessful. In fact, even when I lowered my criteria from "interesting tourist attractions" to "stupid tourist attractions which seem worthy of insincere derision" I still came up mostly emptyhanded.

This should tell you pretty much everything one needs to know about taking a trip to Wyoming (namely: that one should not do it), but I suppose if you're a glutton for punishment you can go ahead and read on. At the very least, I feel I've managed to compile a relatively decent overview of the least uninteresting tourist destinations located in Wyoming. So that's something, I guess.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...California

When people think of California, they often think of brownouts, laughably overpriced homes, women in thongs accumulating malignant melanomas on beaches, and endless lakes of fire choked with the tormented souls of the damned, whose shrieks of agony will haunt your dreams for all eternity.

Come to think of it, that last one might not be entirely accurate, as I haven't been to California since I was a kid. But I'm reasonably sure I remember staying at a Holiday Inn Select in the 6th Circle (kitty corner from the barbed-wire gallows) where the screams of the unbaptized babies they were flaying the skin off of kept me up until like 2AM one night. Talk about annoying.

But hey, let's go ahead and see what California has to offer tourists, shall we?

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Wisconsin

There's something about crossing the border from Minnesota into Wisconsin which has always unsettled me. The feeling would probably best characterized as crushing despair tinged with an oppressive pastoral loneliness. It isn't necessarily that the scenery itself is different, it's more of a vague feeling...as if the sadness of its residents has somehow seeped into the soil and air, poisoning it, like fallout from a nuclear blast. Or perhaps more appropriately, like the solvent vapors from a thousand and one batches of low-grade trailer park meth.

So it should be obvious that I'm not particularly keen on the idea of visiting Wisconsin for fun and diversion, which makes me just the person to write an overtly antagonistic and highly inaccurate guide of it for nonexistent tourists.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...New York

Little known fact: There's actually an entire state attached to New York City. This state is commonly most called New York, and it draws literally dozens of tourists each year into it's distinctly unremarkable borders. Granted, many of these people are simply on their way to Pennsylvania to commit suicide (Harrisburg is the exsanguination capital of the world), but this matters little, as even somber pilgrims hell-bent on their own destruction have a hard time resisting upstate New York's many curio shoppes, taffy fountains, and collectible coin emporiums.

So the next time you inexplicably get it into your fool head to pay a visit to the overrated, obnoxious, self-important, overpriced, stench-ridden cesspool known as NYC, you might consider bypassing the Big Apple altogether in favor of it's slightly less nauseating upstate cousin, as there's plenty to see and do there.

In service of this, the following article features an overview of some of the more popular New Yorkian attractions. I invite you to examine it at your leisure.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Georgia

The American South has changed a great deal in recent years. What was once described by Harry S. Truman as "a festering pocket of indescribable filth and stroke-inducing poverty" is now home to a number of modern amenities, including schools, utility poles, and yes, even paved roads. But don't be fooled into thinking that the south has lost it's charm and spunk, as this is most certainly not the case. Those who crave dixie-flavored excitement and adventure need look no further than the great state of Georgia. With its year-round county fairs, dump truck rallies, and whites-only church picnics, Georgia has become a beacon of hope to tourists hoping to score some down-home goodness at a reasonable price.

So read on to learn about some of the wonderful destinations and activities the great state of Georgia has to offer. And if, by the end of this article you're still convinced that Georgia is "just another rivulet of the crusty semen stain on the pant leg of America known as The South", I'll eat my hat. And that's a true confederate promise.

The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Alaska

Tourists Guide to Alaska - Eagles Dumpster

From large groups of trees, to snow-capped mountains, to the ground under those mountains and trees, it's fairly safe to say that Alaska has got it all. It's a land of wonder, excitement, and adventure, where anything can, and will happen! Well...I'm being a bit generous. It's probably more like a land of quiet bemusement, snowstorms, and mild anticipation. Hmm. Still seems kind of dishonest. OK: At the very least, Alaska is a land which, I would assume, is not entirely without it's charms. There. That sounds about right.

I would, however, like to apologize in advance for the lack of actual tourism-based content in this article. I sincerely did try to find some interesting and original things that people could do visiting Alaska, but I mostly came up emptyhanded. the way I see it, this could be taken to mean one of two things: 1. There actually is nothing interesting going on in Alaska, or 2. I am just sort of lazy.

I'm thinking it's probably a little of both.

The Cynical [Chinese] Tourist's Guide to...North Carolina

In the hopes of capturing the lucrative Chinese person market, I have written this article in Chinese. Any English speakers who wish to read about the wonderful tourist attractions North Carolina has to offer (of which there are many!) can either translate this article to English using the translation software of their choice or view the ENGLISH VERSION HERE, as the Chinese version may not display properly in their browser.

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The Cynical Tourist's Guide to...North Carolina [English]

WHAT A BLAZES? NORTH CAROLINA!

If you are from United States you think there is nothing but strange and sorrowful things in North Carolina. Well, I must tell you! Not true. It is where all the best happens. The province includes a number of activities. Such as the old China saying goes: Those who taught me to fish now become a lover of fish. I plan to do the same on this web page. I will do you like a fish.

So, pick up your gourd and your animals, and we will see events in the North Carolina of the U.S. cities!