TOP "# OF THINGS" LISTS

Okay, so maybe most of these aren't technically top "10" lists. They're more like top "NUMERAL" lists. But you get the idea.

5 BEWILDERINGLY ELABORATE ALARM CLOCKS I INVENTED WHILE COMATOSE

Dangerous Alarm Clocks
As far back as I can remember, I've always been an Idea Man. I don't mean this in a business sense, I literally mean that I am a human who possesses both an X and a Y chromosome and occasionally formulates thoughts and opinions about various things. An Idea Man.
 
For example, I was able to come up with several fairly decent ideas a few weeks ago when I placed a rusted can of quintuple-filtered spray butane to my left nostril and held the nozzle open until the room began to vibrate and shriek and indescribable colors exploded all around me and my screams became muffled as the walls pushed in and in until consciousness failed me and I knew no more.  

Upon awakening, I found myself entombed in a small chamber of pulsating, amaranthine velvet. Though I did not know it at the time, it was to be my home for the next several centuries. And although the pod was cheaply furnished and the lone bookshelf contained only a small rumpled-up stack of older Highlights magazines (in which most of the mazes and puzzles had already been completed...IN PEN), I was determined to make the best of a bad situation.

So while it is true that the endless I spent imprisoned in that were neither interesting nor eventful, I was able to spend a lot of quality time reflecting on my life, which in turn lead me to consider the human condition and eventually the very nature of existence itself. And while it is also true that none of this rumination ever resulted in anything in anything other than a drowsiness or a mild headache, I did end come up with a few pretty decent ideas for alarm clocks while I was in there.

So here are some of those.

16 Baffling Warning Signs Which Will Bring About Your Death

16 Baffling Stick Figure Warning Signs - Bird Attack
Rest assured: I'm well aware that I've already published way too many pointless photo galleries of Nonsensical Warning Signs. I also know that I'm probably the only sentient creature in the universe who finds stick figures being dismembered so entertaining, but what can I say? I like 'em!

So for what is probably the last time, I've [borrowed] a bunch of signs from The Stick Figures In Peril Flickr Pool and reposted them here without getting permission from any of the wonderful people who actually took the time to photograph and upload them.
 
But hey, if you own any of these pictures and don't want some asshole like me using them, just Send Me An Annoyed Email and I'll remove them right away.

5 Sex Tips For Women Who Have Sex With Men

5 Sex Tips For Women Who Have Sex
If there's one thing I've learned from inadvertently catching a glimpse of the cover stories of various women's magazines while waiting for dental appointments, it's this: When it comes to sex, men are extremely difficult to please. Don't be discouraged if this sounds preposterous to you. Most revolutionary ideas seem this way at first, due to our brain's inability to properly process brand-new, mindblowingly radical concepts.

Take, for example, actor Paul Sorvino's reaction to one of his most popular films, Goodfellas. Upon attending the premier, he was shocked and unsettled by the film, and claimed to have regretted appearing in it. But with the passage of time, he came to recognize that the confusing feeling he had experienced in that theater was not hatred or disgust, but his mind being blown, and he later would later theorize that the film was so good that it had left him "in a state of shock."

So all I ask is that you think of this article as the "Goodfellas" of internet sex guides. The first time you read it, you might think your brain is saying, "This nothing but an unfocused collection of underdeveloped  ideas masquerading as a list of sex tips for women and I hope the person who wrote it dies of burns", when what you're actually thinking is "while my own intellectual failings have made it all but impossible for me to comprehend these brilliant and revolutionary sex tips, but at least I can still appreciate that the author has written about sex, because hey: Sex."

5 Aggressively Unpleasant Movies You Probably Shouldn't See On A First Date

Worst First Date Movies Ever - Antichrist
Recently, I performed an internet search for "Worst First Date Movies". I did this because, at the time, I was interested in reading a list of offensive or controversial films which might make for awkward first-date viewing. Unfortunately, none of the articles I managed to find fit this description.
 
Some were simply lists of mildly scary or violent horror films ("Don't take your date to see Chuckie or The Grudge 2!"), others were filled with blatantly obvious or borderline idiotic choices ("Deliverance! Schindler's List! Kids! Caligula!"), and most of the rest appeared to have been written by brain-damaged ESL students battling prescription drug addictions ("Number 10: Aids disease is not become laughing. But does your date? Potential.")
 
So seeing as none of these were particularly useful to me, I decided to attempt to fill this void by creating my own list of Bad First Date Movies. And while I can't promise you quality, I can promise some measure of quantity. So there's that.
 
Oh, and also, I reveal nearly every single meaningful plot point in all of these films. So take that into account before you read this.

16 (More) Strange & Disturbing Sexual Fetishes

Donut Bath
Question: Is this simply a numbered list of leftover "B-Side" fetishes from the Top 20 Weird Sexual Fetishes Article You Published A While Ago?

Answer: Sort of. This list does, in fact, contain the fetishes I didn't have space for in the original article. It also contains many fetishes which don't even exist. If you'd like to know why this is the case, I'm afraid I can't help you. But I can tell you that some of the fetishes below are probably real.

The answers are at the end, if you feel like cheating. Thank you, and good luck.

10 Overly-Specific Annoyances That Anger Me Far More Than They Should

Overly Specific Annoyances - No Annoying Noises Sign
A lot of people will tell you that to be successful as a writer, that you should always "Write What You Know." Depending on which writers you talk to, this idea is either lifechangingly brilliant, or pure, unadulterated, greeting card bullshit. I guess I'd say I stand somewhere in the middle.
 
I will admit that in the beginning, I tried to "write what I knew", but it didn't take me long to realize that I didn't know much about anything anyone cared about. No worries though; I just decided to modify the phrasing slightly so it would apply to me, and then used that as my writing mantra.

So: "Write What You Know" became "Write a few worthwhile paragraphs on a random topic like before becoming bored and simply cluttering-up the remainder of the article with irrelevant rants, tiring nonsequitors, and run on sentences so long that a lot of the time upon reaching the end you'll be lost entirely and yet too indifferent to care".
 
All-in-all, I'd say things worked out pretty well so far. Oh, and also, on a semi-related related note: Below this intro you'll find an article in which I good-naturedly complain about oddly specific things which annoy me.

If you could find the time to look through it for me, I'd really be much obliged.

20 More Signs Featuring Stick Figures In Peril

Stick Figures In Peril: Part 3 - Choke
Okay, look: I realize I've already milked Two Entire photo galleries out Stick Figure Warning Signs Which Are Occasionally Difficult To Understand. I realize that. But times are tough, you know? What can I say. I found a bunch more pictures of messed-up street signs I liked, so I figured, hey: Why not organize them into gallery format and display them on the internet?

So I did, and here they are.

Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Are So Popular

Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Are So Popular
Depending on who you ask, the growing popularity of "Top 10" articles on the internet is either A. The surest proof that humankind is becoming steadily dumber and a troubling harbinger of the coming Idiocracy, or B. Pretty neat because they are fun and looking at numbered things is easier than reading words in a dumb old book anyhow.
 
Which of these theories is correct? I'm afraid I don't really know. But as a respected Orthopedic Surgeon and Semiretired Professor of Internet Sociology I do feel that I am uniquely equipped to explain to you the reasons for the proliferation of Top 10 Lists. And although I could easily summarize these reasons in one or two sentences, I feel it is my obligation as an Internet Content Creator to needlessly dilute them by stretching them out into a Top 10 List instead.
 
So here are (in no particular order) the Top 10 Reasons Why Top 10 Lists Are So Popular.

9 Impractical & Potentially Offensive Ways To Avoid Shaking Hands

9 Devious Ways To Avoid Shaking Hands
Of all the pointless and antiquated traditions humans infuriatingly continue to adhere to, shaking hands is probably the one I resent me the most. I'm not quite sure why I hate the idea of handshakes so much, and since it'd take more than a few sessions with a psychiatrist to figure it out, I'll probably never know for sure. But if I had to guess, it'd say it's probably a combination of two things:
 
  1. Handshakes serve no practical purpose and I see them as phony and insincere.
  2. I'm a contrarian sociopath who derives pleasure from flouting social codes I disapprove of.
 
In all honestly, it's probably 99% due to the latter, but in the end, I guess it doesn't really matter why I hate handshakes. I just do. What's really important is that I've come up with this list of ways to get out of shaking hands. Granted, this guide won't be of much use to actual well-rounded adults, but certain groups people (Germaphobes, Insufferable Iconoclasts, Angry Goth Teens, etc) will likely find it very useful.
 
So with that in mind, here are 9 sneaky and underhanded ways to get out of shaking someone's hand.

7 Reasons Why Getting Old Is Awesome

7 Reasons Why Getting Old Is Awesome - Grandma Bong Booze
It seems like all you ever hear about is how awful it is to get old. Back pain, high blood pressure, grey hair, rest homes, the inability to see or hear anything, heart attacks, and death (yawn) and just a few of the "negatives" which make aging seem less than desirable.
 
But here's what the pessimists don't tell you: There are also many positive aspects to aging, many of which are cool enough to outweigh the shitty stuff. Then again, I may be somewhat biased when it comes to the elderly, as at the age of 27, I already posses many "old people" traits.

My hair is already going grey, I complain constantly, take far too many pills, spend almost my entire day napping, find loud music obnoxious, and in public places I go out of my way to avoid groups of teenagers because who knows they might be Kubrickian hooligans who'd jump me "just for kicks". So maybe I'm an old person in spirit already. Who knows.
 
Either way, I think you'll find that I still have some valid reasons why it'll be awesome to get old. Take a look.
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