By Martin "The Baron" Hubley
salutations viewers! This is your old pal The Baron here, ringing in
the new year for one and all. I was thinking about the best way to
celebrate the fresh century and I came up with what I think is a pretty
darn fantastic idea: I would create a list of my favorite movies of
2009! So that's exactly what I did, I went through "fave films" section
my dream journal and picked out the rootinist, tootinist, shootinist
list of the greatest movies I had seen last in the old zero niner.
So grab a sack of butter and cover your heads, because Baron Marty's
about to drop some movie knowledge on yall's heads.
Liam Nelson stars in this chilling chiller about a man who has lost
everything he holds dear: His daughter. When she takes a skiing trip to
Europe alone and is kidnapped by white slavers, he will do everything
it takes (including murder) to get her back dead or alive.
I don't know what it is, but something about the sense of justice this
movie has sent a shiver up my spine and pushed a howl of joy through my
lips. Seeing Nealson recovering to true butt-smacking form after the
career-derailing dreary Black & White snore-fest Schindler's Liszt
brings a tear of happiness to my eye, and a thump to my heart.
Rent this movie today and watch as America kicks ass and chews bubble
gum all over those filthy unbathed European dogs and conniving
Middle-Eastern pigs. Uncle Sam says hello!
9. Angels & Demons
Cutie pie Tom Hanks once again stars in this adaptation of (genius) Dan
Brown's classic novel "Angels & Demons". This picture is a sequel
(or prequel, I can never quite remember!) to one of my other fave
flicks "The Omega Code" (the film version of another Dan Brown Novel
which I highly recommend) and it improves upon the original in every
Angels & Demons has suspense, excitement, and sexy stars all
wrapped up in one easy to squeeze package, and that's pretty much the
size of it. The script is memorable (natch, as it was written by Dan
Brown himself) and the characters are pretty darn cool! I especially
like Hanks as the rouge archaeologist. He's got a bone to pick with the
government, and he isn't afraid to get his hands dirty! I like strong
As a student of Wiccan, I also appreciated how there was far less of a
Christian message in this movie than in the first one, but honestly,
even if it was trying to preach the gospel of Jesus to me I don't think
I would mind.
Tom Hanks Rocks!
It's true that gays don't have much power in our society, but
strong-willed guys like Bruno are changing all that. Bruno is a sassy
german who speaks his mind and doesn't let straights push him around.
He travels to rodeos, convenience stores, and bar mitfas, all so he can
become famous as a gay. People who aren't familiar with the gay
lifestyle (I am, I personally know 3 of them) might be shocked or angry
at some of the sex acts they see on screen, but I can insure you that
it's all perfectly legal and many men do it every night, so stop being
such a whiner.
But the real meat for you to chew on is Bruno's more private moments
which he shares with (SPOILER WARNING) his gay asian. I will
admit though that some of these segments can get a bit graphic (even
for someone as open-minded as yours truly) so if you bring kids, be
prepared to explain to them what is going on and how to do it safely if
they want to try.
7. The Watchman
I've already written about this heavenly maniac of a film HERE and HERE so I
won't bore you will all the gory details. Let's just say that if you
haven't seen this vision of love, betrayings, epic battles, and
sadness... I'm sorry to say this, but you're missing out on one
delicious slice of life's pies.
Go pick up a copy of the 4 hour extended edition on VHS or DVD and
watch it with a loved-one you love. Trust me.
Yeah, yeah, I know, technically this was a straight to SyFy miniseries
and wasn't in theaters, but honestly, Alice does a much better job at
creating a living, breathing world than most "real" hollywood films do.
Not to mention the special effects. I have just two words for you: They
are astonishing. Yes, SyFy (formerly the Scifi channel) has had a long
history of creating quality original programming, but they really come
into the linelight with this sparking 14 karat gem. These people
deserve an oscar.
Indeed, this series does such a great job on engrossing you that there
were a number of occasions in which I couldn't tell if I had dozed off
or was still watching the film. That's the wonders of HDTV, am
I right folks?!
So if you need a fantasticule world full of mischief and may-hem look
no farther than your local television set. This ain't your grandaddy's
5. G.I. Joe: Rise of Cobra
I don't need to "pimp out" this film to anyone, true Joe fans are Joe
are fans for life, and Joe haters are cold-hearted folks who will hate
Joe till the end of time. Personally I don't understand how you could
hate something as pure and innocent as children's toys, but as my big
and beautiful girlfriend Tina might say "Whatevs."
Leave it at this: If you played with the toys, YOU WILL LOVE THIS
MOVIE. So hunker down in front of the old black and white and pour
yourself a steaming cup of Joe.
4. Paul Blart
A lot of people have been bagging and ragging on this film, but it
actually wasn't all that bad. This movie reminds me of a time when a
person could go to the theater and just have a dang good time without
having to have some message about pollution or sex criminals crammed
into their throats. As a comedy, this film does have a few jokes that
are stinkers, but all comedies do. It's the nature of the beast.
Overall though, I found at least 50% of this movie to be just laugh out
loud hilarious (something which is rare for me).
Anywhoo, you could find worse ways to spend a Saturday night than by
watching niceguy Kevin James cut up a few yuks-yuks as a security
guard. Check this one out if you missed it. Unless you're an old fud
who hates laughter, you'll have a good time. I promise.
3. Transformers: Revenge of The Fallen
Oh yeah...I went there! I realize picking this box office beauty isn't
going to win me any fans amongst the art crowd, but I believe it
telling the truth no matter how many enemies it makes me. So here goes:
Transformers 2 was the sleeper hit of 2009. Bar none. Sure, the critics
said it was a piece of crap. Talk about elitenist idiots! What does it
take to be a movie critic? A fancy 2 year degree in reading and writing
which costs you about 100,000 bones after taxes? No thanks! I'm a
writer and I didn't even go to school. Shot down. Thanks very much for
your opinion critics, but The Baron goes with his gut, and my gut says
Term 2 rules!
Also I'd also like to take this time to address those "P.C." morons out
there who say the two jive-talking negro robots in this movie are
racist: Get a life! Racism is big a part of our world's history, and is
still around today. Without it we wouldn't have been able to grow as
many cigarette crops, done as much laundry, or built monuments such as
Crazy Horse and the Pyramids. So all you liberals can take a chill-out
pill and try to enjoy these buck-toothed bots for what they are: Good
old fashioned down-home fun, just like the rest of this movie.
These ain't your grandaddy's toys. Accept no substitutes, ask for these
robots in disguises by name!
Move over Milo & Otis, there's a new top dog in town: James
Cameron's Avatars! This was so fantastic that I just had to give it the
top TWO spots instead of just one. Don't believe me? Well I
remember sitting in the theater on opening night, and seeing the other
audience member's jaws literally drop to the floor when they saw the
opening shot of this masterpiece in 3D. Yes, it's really that good.
But all the special effects mongo jumbo in the world don't mean a thing
if a movie hasn't got soul, and let me tell you my brother: Avatars has
got soul. Anybody who says otherwise is a G.D. coward or a M**
sucking S*** idiot! Sorry for the language, but people who
insult this movie really make me extremely angry. You people have got
to get a life and learn something about real movies, losers.
It's not often that I cry during a movie, but when the final credits
had rolled on this artistic vision of cinematic vision, I was bawling
like a little schoolmarm. It touched me in a place I've never been
touched before: My heart. This movie is exactly what America needs, a
hard kicking, trash-kicking, no-holds-barred look at the beautiful
animal soul which lies within every worthless human. it gives us hope
that one day we will all be free of these horrible and imperfect human
bodies once and for all.
I said it before and I'll say it again...Avatars is the bomb. Literally!
Welp, that's just about all she wrote, fellas and she-fellas! If yall's
haven't seen any of these fantastic movie motion pictures, you'd better
get right out and check them out before they're gone for good. Rent,
buy, beg, steal, or rent: You've got to do whatever it takes to see
these amazing artworks. You won't regret it.
Make sure and tell 'em The Baron sent ya!