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The Christmas season has arrived once again, and we all know what that
means...new gaming PCs! As you may well know, providing free tech
support to those in need has always been a favorite pastime of mine,
and seeing as my love of electronic devices is second only to my
distrust of information published by the secular newsmedia, I figured,
heck: What better way to celebrate this season of giving and receiving
than by sliding a thick, bulging tube of good old-fashioned PC advice
into the gaping orifice of your souls!
 
Why a Christian guide to computer assembly? It's fairly simple: While
there are plenty of humanist PC how-to guides out there, these are
little use to those of us who believe that Christ will soon return and
rain fiery vengeance down upon all the blasphemers, homosexuals, and
non-catholic pedophiles of the world, thus cleansing these hedonistic
lands of sin once and for all. We Christians prefer to take advice from
those who share our worldview, that way we can ensure we are doing
things in the godliest way possible.
 
So I hope you will join me as I take an overtly religious look at the
wonderful world of do-it-yourself personal computering.

 
Notice: If you happen to be reading this in any month other than
December, please close your browser immediately. This is a Christmas
article and I will not have you besmirch the baby Jesus's name by
reading it during any of the secular months. Peace be with you.

 

A PREFACE

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Many of you may want to jump right in and start building so you can
play all the latest and greatest shooting sims and beat-em-off
actioners, but I think it's probably best that you learn a bit about
the basics of computing before you make an expensive investment in
computer parts. You wouldn't buy a car without learning how an internal
combustion engine works, would you? Of course not! Well the same goes
for building your own PC.
 
Just a side note: The metric system is most commonly used when talking
about PC components, but as I'm sure many of my fellow Brothers in
Christ are aware, this system of measurement is not highly flawed, but
blasphemous, as the Bible strictly forbids it's usage (Corinthians
4:09). As such, I will be using only the biblically sanctioned (and far
superior) imperial measurement system when describing these parts. If
you have any problems with this, I suggest you take it up with God.
 
But let's get on with it: Here's a brief overview of each basic PC
component.

 

MEMORY

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As you can probably tell from the name, memory is your PC's brain!
Memory performs so many functions it would be impossible to describe
them all, but here are the most important ones:

Dictates Which Games You Can Play

Every game you play on a computer must be stored in its memory banks.
If you do not have enough memory to play a particular game, the data
will overflow, spilling out of the memory chips and into adjacent
circuits and causing massive damage.
 
But never fear: Most modern computer are equipped with trip switches
which will stop your data from overflowing. Under this system, when
your memory becomes full, your PC will simply turn itself off, and
display a message on the monitor which says "Stack Overflow." No
permanent damage will occur, but if you see this message frequently, it
is probably time to add more memory.

Performs Math Calculations

In the old days of computers, if the user needed to solve a math
problem whilst on the computer, he would need to enter each equation
into a text file, convert this file to binary code (the language of
computers), and use a special program to compute the answer before
converting it back. But no longer. Modern memory banks have become so
smart that now computers are even able to perform complex types of math
such as statistics, trigonometry, and calculus in minutes with a single
press of a button.
 

Biblical Parallel

When thought of in the context of the Holy Trinity (The Father, The
Son, & The Holy Spirit), computer Memory should be thought of as
"The Father" (God). It's rough, it's tough, it's essential, and it's
not afraid to give a few thousand children terminal cancer in order to
teach their parents an absurdly obvious "lesson" about "how important
life is and stuff".
 
Yes...The Lord certainly does work in mysterious ways.
 

PROCESSOR

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The processor should be though of as the "heart" of the computer. It
keeps the blood (bits) moving through the computer's veins (circuits).
In the imperial system, processing speed is measured in Canute
Hundrethweights (derived from the English King Canute's ability to
perform various math problems). For example, a Pentium 3 processor has
power level of 14 Billion Canute Hundrethweights, while the
substantially more powerful i7 series provides an astonishing
Ninety-Six Trillion!
 

Processes & Backs Up Your Most Important Files

The one and only function of the Processor is to ensure that files get
where they are supposed to be, but did you know that you can also
recover files you may have accidentally deleted (if you're quick
enough) because of the way a processor operates? It's true! Take a look:
 
The processor uses what are known as DIP switches. Every minute on the
dot, the dip switches reset, blanking out all the files inside your
computer to make room for new files (if it didn't do this, your hard
drive would become full of rubbish files after only a few days of use).
 
The trick to recovering supposedly "deleted" files is to simply open up
the PC and remove the processor before the DIP cycle is able to
complete itself. If done correctly, when you re-insert the processor,
your computer should have reverted back to the beginning of it's 1
minute DIP cycle (meaning the files you thought you had deleted have
not even been deleted yet). Viola! Your data is back, safe and sound.
 

Biblical Parallel

Think of the processor as the "Son" (Jesus) portion of the holy
trinity. Like Jesus, the Processor might seem boring and unimportant at
first, but I think you'll find that if you remove it (or him) from the
equation, things begin to fall apart rather quickly.
 

HARD DRIVE

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As strange as it may seem, the hard drive is best described as a PC's
stomach. It is where information and energy are stored to be accessed
at a later date. Without bits and bytes in it's hard drive, a computer
will just sit there, doing nothing. Obviously a computer is a machine
which cannot starve to death like a human, but it IS necessary to fill
the hard drive with programs and files, to it running smoothly.
 
But be careful! The more information you pump into a computer's hard
drive, the heavier it gets! Because of physics, this cannot be avoided.
The storage capacity of modern hard drives is expressed in Gross
Register Tons. Simply put: The higher the GRT rating of a particular
drive, the more packets of information it can store without crashing!
When looking at a computer, look on the box and find the one with the
highest GRT you can find.
 
I personally find GRTs to be unwieldy as a form of measurement. I very
much prefer to use KJB's (King James Bibles) when I wish to express
hard drive space. Just as an example, if rendered in 8 bit text, a 400
GRT hard drive is would be equal to 482,344.96 KJBs. Pretty simple
right?

Biblical Parallel

The Hard Drive is like The Holy Ghost: Always present in the
background, waiting to strike.

I haven't read my bible in quite some time, but I'm fairly certain that
the holy ghost is supposed to be Moses. If memory serves me right,
there is a chapter in the bible which The Holy Spirit comes across a
bunch of children who are torturing a dog by tying a rusty old can to
its tail. The Holy Ghost chases them away and lets the dog free, and
the dog licks his hand. Then, on the next page there is a picture
showing Moses being followed by a bunch of children and if you look
closely, there is a dog with them.
 
I guess it could be a different dog, but that seems like a pretty big
coincidence if you ask me.
 

ASSEMBLING THE PC

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This part is self-explanatory. Once you've bought all your parts,
simply snap them together as noted in the instruction manual and plug
the PC into a nearby wall socket. After that, you're only a single
button press away from gaming heaven! Pretty cool huh?
 
Although, if you do require a more in-depth and highly technical look
at This Article
Written By A Recently Deceased Colleague Of Mine
which goes
into more detail about how each part snaps together, but honestly I
don't think you need it. Building a computer is easy

 

TROUBLESHOOTING

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If, for whatever reason, your PC won't turn on when you press the
button, there are a number of things you can try.
 

  1. Jiggle the power cord. Sometimes it comes loose.
  2. Make sure nothing is in backwards. It might sound silly,
    but it's easy to put a sound driver or DVD drive in backwards. If you
    happen to do so, simply flip the component around and the PC should
    boot without any problems.
  3. Check the breakers in your home. If the breakers are set
    to "OFF", the sockets in your home will not not function at full
    capacity. If they are off, call a qualified electrician to turn them on
    for you.
  4. Wear a static wristband. You should have worn a static
    wristband when assembling your PC to ensure that you didn't damage any
    of the parts. If you failed to do so, you probably burnt out
    everything. Live and learn.
  5. Call tech support. If you don't know the number for tech
    support, you can find it on the internet. 
  6. Call REAL tech support. Of course, no troubleshooting
    guide would be complete without mention of the most effective form of
    tech support of all: The Lord. If you feel you're at your wit's end and
    simply cannot get your PC to boot, it's probably time to make a call
    (via prayer) to the big guy upstairs. If He doesn't respond directly,
    you should consider this a sign that having your own gaming PC was not
    to be. Smash up everything and throw it out.

 

IN CLOSING

That should be more than enough information to get you started down the
road to personal computing. And I know it sounds "uncool", but if you
have any further questions about computers, I recommend checking out a
computer book at your local library.
 
As Christ said at the top of the Mount of Olives: "He whose heart is
filled with a desire for riches shall prostrate himself before me, and
so shall he receive my seed of love, and henceforth his pockets shall
runneth over with forty score and ten pieces of eight, so says I."

Good luck, and happy gaming, y'all!"

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