The Cynical Tourist's Guide To...Idaho

Believe it or not, sometimes people actually go to Idaho on purpose. Yeah, I know, it sort of blew my mind at first too, but it's true. "And what," you might ask, "do these people do once they've arrived in Idaho?" Hell if I know. According to the board of tourism's website Idaho is an "Outdoors-Oriented Community". So maybe they go on walks?

Or, maybe "outdoors community" is really just code for "There is nothing to do here. Now take some mushrooms and get lost on a hiking trail which will become oppressively sinister as darkness encroaches while indistinct voices cackle with laughter amongst the undergrowth and then you finally get home and can't even get to sleep because THE FOLDING CHAIR JUST WON'T SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT HEALTH CARE REFORM AARRGHH" which, appealing as it may sound, is probably not convincing too many families to take a road trip to Idaho.
 
But I suppose that is why I'm here: To convince you all that taking a trip to Idaho is the best choice a hesitant vacationer could make. So let's take a look at some of the attractions this fine state has to offer, won't us?
 
 

THE IDAHO POTATO MUSEUM

Is there any better way to kick off a whirlwind tour of a state than by visiting it's most clichéd attraction? I think not. This attraction combines three of the world's most exciting concepts (Potatoes, Museums, & The State of Idaho) into one impossible-to-beat (yet simple to charge money for) package! Yes, children and adults alike will be "intrigued" (their words) as they trudge past fascinating exhibits such as:
 

• A bunch old farm equipment which may or may not have exclusively been used to harvest potatoes
• Plexiglass "Potato Facts" sign containing faded list of various potato facts
• The world's largest potato chip
• Rotting Corpse of Rev. Henry Spaulding, inventor of the potato
• Burlap sack in display case
• Gift shop featuring merchandise such as "Toy potato that when you walk by it it sings Achy Breaky Heart", "Potato which has inexplicably been painted", "Potato joke book consisting entirely of potato-based puns" and "Postcard prominently featuring photograph of potato which vaguely resembles the face of veteran character actor Danny Glover".

 
 

Also, it bears mentioning that THEIR OFFICIAL WEBSITE has seemingly not been updated since the early 19th Century, as it makes a big show of pointing out that the museum's parking lots have "plenty of room for motor coaches."

"Splendid!" At last sez I, "Jidge, did you ever have your portrait tuck?" "No," sez he, as ugly as you please. "Dew te," says I. "A chap would make a blue fist of takin'a dead aim through double sights, with the butt end of a psalm in his guzzle."

"Now let us pull foot to the dram shoppe!"

 

THE ATLANTA AREA

Oh come now, Idaho! Listing a vaguely defined swath of land surrounding a small town of 40 people as an attraction? That's pretty bad, even by historical site standards. But who knows? Maybe "being 80 miles from Boise by gravel road" and "possessing the ability to look at Greylock Mountain and a fork in the Boise river" is a hell of a lot more exciting than it sounds.
 
In any case, Idaho's website does list this attraction as free. So hey, at least they aren't overcharging, right?
 

 
 

RODEOS

A Rodeo? In Idaho?! It's true! Hitch up your jeans and perform whatever action is necessary in order to attach your spurs to your boots because the rodeo is coming to (and I would assume is perpetually situated in) town! Rest assured ladies and gentlemen, American rodeos may not feature the same horrifying acts of animal abuse, ritual bloodletting, and frequent gorings that their Hispanic counterparts (Bullfights) do, but that doesn't mean they're any less entertaining!
 
Oh wait, yes it does.
 
My mistake.
 
 

ATV RENTALS

Wretched Hillfolk: Pull yourselves from the bogs from whence you spawned and visit beautiful Idaho, where we urge you to celebrate the majesty of our fragile ecosystem by irreparably damaging a considerable portion of it in search of a drunken white trash thrill*. So go ahead and gouge some huge muddy ruts into our hiking trails! Heave a Coor's Light can full of cigarette butts into the stream! Run down a pack of newborn bear cubs; we don't care. This whole place is gonna be bulldozed for some overpriced condos soon anyway, so you might as well have at it.
 
 
*NOTE TO READER: I sincerely hope that you do not find me to be overly judgmental of our holler-dwelling cousins. Rest assured that my own lower-middle-class white person credentials are well in order, as I myself am descended from several generations of Iroc-Z-Piloting Mountain Trash Males. Indeed, in my younger days I was known (on several occasions) to intentionally bring the revolutions-per-minute of a vehicle's engine well above practical levels while the vehicle was in neutral at a stop light. If this does not convince you of my bluecollar roots, I fear nothing will.  
 
But as such, you should realize that I do not seek to denigrate our fine, hardworking, Nickelback-listening-to Americans. I only strive to reveal their true nature.  
 

DON ASLETT MUSEUM OF CLEAN

See that delightful gentleman in the photo up there? That's none other than the famous (or should I say infamous) Don Aslett! What's that you say? You have no idea who Don Aslett even is? Well I'm sorry to hear that. Perhaps THIS will jog your memory...
 
Well? Still nothing huh? Hmm...hold on. Let me post a quick excerpt from the description of the museum. I'm sure it'll explain more.

The museum explores clean because it is critical to health and human development and offers a unique view into American culture.

The museum offers engaging exhibit experiences.

The museum owns and cares for hundreds of thousands of objects.

In recognition of Aslett’s environmentally friendly efforts, the Green Building Program will award the museum a Platinum LEED certification rating, making it the largest site in Idaho to receive such a prestigious award.

So there you have it. Don Aslett is a guy who started a museum about clean and the museum won an award.

I bet you feel pretty stupid right about now.

 

DIAMOND LIL'S STEAKHOUSE & SALOON WAGON RIDES [DELAYED]

A more childish man might make some smartass comment about the ridiculousness of listing of a delay of a wagon ride as an event on a state's official tourism site, but seeing as I am technically an adult, I will instead express my supreme disappointment to Mr. Lil (who I can only assume is the owner and proprietor of Diamond Lil's Steakhouse & Saloon) in the following open letter.

Dearest Lil:
You stupid son of a bitch. Me and my brother really wanted to go on your wagon ride. Please note that my brother was kicked in the head by a horse and this is all he has left to look forward to. He cannot even control his bowels. I have to bring him around in a wheelbarrow everywhere. Don't laugh it isn't funny. Yes, I even help him vote when he votes at the polls because his reaching claw can't grasp the hole punch. You piece of garbage. I hope you are happy for what you did to my family and pets.
 
P.S. my uncle had polio when he was a kid and he cried when I showed him on your website about how the haunted hell ride was canceled. Satisfied? They say diamonds are forever and I hope you are forever too. And by that I mean forever in hell.
 
Warmest Regards,
Kevin.

ERNEST HEMINGWAY MEMORIAL

When visiting the Idaho Chamber of Commerce, be sure and pick a brochure for the "Grave of a Depressed Genius Who Blew His Goddamn Brains Out All Over The Wall With a Shotgun While Living in Our Depressing State". Directions are on the back. We sell Hemingway Shirts & Keychains. Legend has it that if you put your ear to the ground near the grave, you can sometimes hear the tortured and beloved author rolling in it.
 
You and the kids can go for ice cream after.
 
Jesus!

 

FINAL WORDS

Let it be known throughout the land: Here in Idaho, as anointed by The Lord God, man holds dominion over his earth. And so he spaketh in the Good Book itself.
     
Thanks and here's wishing you and yours a happy christ day signed: the Sharletts family.