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DECEITFUL MUFFINS

Deceptive Eggo Mini Muffin Tops Blueberry

It is truly outrageous to me that you would call yourselves muffin tops. You are "Reasonably thick blueberry pancakes", and nothing more.

If there's one thing I won't abide, it's prepackaged novelty breakfast foods misrepresenting themselves.

Now get out.

The Alphabet Of Swearing

 The Alphabet Of Swearing - Fcuk
Recently I performed a search on the internet for "The Alphabet Of Swearing" in the hopes of finding a list of curse words beginning with each letter of the alphabet. Much to my surprise, aside from a couple of disappointing "Yahoo Answers" replies and an article or two from websites even shittier than this one, I came up emptyhanded.
 
Needless to say, I could not let this stand. A world in which a thoughtful list of curse-words for each letter of the alphabet did not exist somewhere on the internet was not a world in which I wanted to live.

This left me with two choices: I could either commit suicide, or create and publish the alphabet of swearing myself. So I decided to go with the list.

More Snapple Cap Safety Tips For Kids

Kids Snapple Caps
In these troubled modern times, the life of a child is filled with innumerable dangers. Just take a look at these astonishing figures: Each day in America, 640 children are abducted by people who are believed to be minorities. In addition, a full four thousand are molested by men thought to possess pencil-thin mustaches, while 16 are mischievously tipped out of their wheelchairs by disgruntled female social workers.
 
These numbers serve as a constant reminder of the inherent evil of humanity. But luckily, Snapple brand flavored drink beverages are here to help. With the help of Families Against Violence and the American Lung Association, Snapple has utilized their patented "Snapple Facts" content delivery service to teach children about safety.
 
In the interest of public safety, I've reprinted 14 of the most useful facts from this campaign here for you to enjoy.

Might As Well Post These Stupid Customer Complaints I Found

Stupid Customer Complaints
One of my favorite things in the world is reading customer complaints on the internet that appear to have been posted by people who cannot read or write. So here are 10 of the best recent complaints I could find on complaintsboard, an unmoderated, racially-charged, libel choked clusterfuck masquerading "consumer advocacy" website.
 
Fair warning: As most of these complaints were posted by idiots, many of them contain sexual content, hilarious racism, or multiple instances of misspelled foul language.

I Hereby Grant You Permission To Chase Waterfalls

Don't Go Chasin Waterfalls
Heed not the warnings of early 90s R&B groups. Waterfalls were placed on this earth by Our Lord God for one reason and one reason only: To be pursued.

I realize that many of you may have a strong inclination towards sticking to the rivers and the lakes to which you have grown accustomed, but what you likely fail to realize is that puttering around in large, stationary pools of liquid, or immersing yourself in freshwater as it runs towards an ocean can in no way match the physical and emotional fulfillment one can achieve from chasing a waterfall. Not even close.
 
So if you'd allow me, I'd like to go ahead and refute some of the most common arguments against the pursuance of water which happens to be flowing down a steep grade due to the effects of gravity along with a rapid drop in elevation.

Don't Even.

The Postman
I'm really sick from a virus or methadone withdrawl right now and I can't post anything.

So here's a photograph I once found of a 1970s postman.

You had better watch your step.

5-Hour Energy Drink: Bile-Flavored Scam or Miraculous Nectar of The Gods?

5-Hour Energy Drink: Bile-Flavored Scam or Miraculous Nectar of The Gods?
Call me skeptical, but the first time I saw 5-Hour Energy Drink, I immediately dismissed it as a scam. I mean, all the telltale signs were present: 1. The price was relatively high. 2. The words "Energy Supplement" were present on the bottle. 3. The label appeared to have been designed by a semiliterate child and printed on a cheap laser printer in some meth addict's basement. 4. It was sitting on the counter at a filthy gas station next to a container of laser pointer keychains and Playboy bunny lighters. So I think you can forgive me for concluding that the whole thing wasn't on the up-and-up.
 
But in the interest of semi-science (internet science?) I decided to buy a few bottles of 5-Hour Energy Drink, do some research on the ingredients, and perform a few test-drinks to see what effect this shining example of Ostensibly Shady Energy Drink Marketing would have on my hypercynical, overly suspicious mind. The results of my experiment are contained in the following article, which is guaranteed to thrill, educate, and excite (provided your standards are low enough).

Word on The Street: Bucket Lists

Spider Man Wailing Wall
Due to the outstanding success of my recently published article on bucket lists, I decided to "take it to the streets" and accost complete strangers, jabbing a starter pistol in their ribs and insisting that they create their own top 10 lists of "Things to Do Before You Die".
 
Not surprisingly, many of them complied, coming up with some thought-provoking and insightful responses that really made me stop and consider what it means to be human in this crazy mixed-up world of ours. Unfortunately I was only able to get in three interviews before I was shot in the chest and upper thigh by some hero cop who decided I was breaking some obscure law, but I think you'll find that the lists I was able to compile were well worth my arrest and subsequent arraignment on felony assault and use of facsimile firearm charges.

Even More Cryptic & Beautiful Poetry From Spam Emails

Sublime Poetry of Spam Emails - Horse HEad
A continuation of my hard-hitting look at the secret world of poetic spam emails. Meaning: I got a bunch more crazy spam emails. You may look at them and be moderately amused, if you wish.

Google Autocomplete Answers 8 More Important Questions

Google Autocomplete Answers More Questions
How does Google Autocomplete work? Well I'll tell you. Imagine, if you will, the CEO of a large corporation. Now imagine that this man performed a search on Google for "Erectile Dysfunction" followed soon after by a search for "nude photos of Mark Hamill vacuuming in a wig" and then submitted another search 3 minutes (and one flush of the toilet) later for " has anyone else cured their erectile dysfunction by looking at nude photos of Mark Hamill vacuuming in a wig because shit I think I just might have.

"You might be wondering what, precisely, the obviously fabricated story of a closeted homosexual CEO reigniting his sexual pilot light by viewing burlesque photographs of Luke Skywalker has to do with me displaying screen captures of interesting and amusing Google autocomplete results.

This is a valid question, and one to which I currently have no answer.




What Now?