Variety: Preview

Wedding Tips For Grooms

Bride
By Kevin
Weddings. Who needs them? Nobody does, but I think people like to have them. I figured I would do the world a favor and look up some rules and regulations for the game of marriage. I found an article on the internet called 20 Top Tips for Grooms Who Want To Get it Right. It is located HERE. (link will probably be dead soon enough, but it doesn't matter) These are sure to be 20 hot tips. Even though I am neither a groom nor a person who wishes to get it right, I am sure that I will enjoy these tips. Let’s go through some of them now:

Presidential Fun Facts

Ministry

The Ministry of Information
The US Presidents: A group of manipulative and delusional humans who lead the United States of America during the dark period before the Ministry was created. But how many citizens truly know anything pertinent about these men?

The answer: None. It has been reported that when asked about which historical US president was most interesting to them during a nonvoluntary information extraction session, seven out of every ten Americans responded by emptying their bowels, lolling back their battered heads, and crying out in agony. So in an effort to educate our citizens about some of the leaders of what was once the United States of America, the MoI has compiled this official list of presidential facts for your consumption.

Quest for Time Part 3: Battles

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By The Baron
Domo Oregano fellow dungeon keepers! In case you were wondering, that mean’s “Hello dungeon keepers” in Japanese. I don’t know much Japanese, but I’m trying to learn so I can watch all my favorite shows without those icky fansubs :( But to the business at hand, which I’m sure you’ve all been drooling for: More info about Quest For Time! My previous articles have all been rousing successes, generating a lot of fanmail for me, and also a few letters from party poopers (luckily I was able to put them in their place). In this column I will be discussing the battle system I’ve come up with for Quest for Time. Enjoy!

Quest for Time Part 2: Reader Mail

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Part 1
Part 2 - More Ideas
Part 2 - Reader Mail
Part 3 - Battles

 

Reader Mail Continued

This is the continuation of Emails from Quest for Time Article 2
This next letter is long and drawn out, so I will respond after each of his points so I can put this true N00b in his place!


From LOL@YOU ****HEAD:

I do have to say this is THE FUNNIEST, LAMEST, MOST UNORIGINAL EXCUSE FOR AN MMORPG EVER, Honestly, I would much rather play RUNESCAPE, Yes RUNESCAPE Than this piece of ****, and runescape is free, $25 a month!? LOL, No one will pay that for a **** hole like this.

First of all, you are mistaken, you do NOT have to say any of those things, but you choose to say them because you are nothing but a jealous george. I know that my game will prove you wrong when it is released, and your petty little words mean nothing to a person like me. You might as well speak in baby talk to the great lord Xenu (god of scientology, look it up if you haven't heard of it, it will change your LIFE forever). You are nothing but a worm under my shoe.



Now, the UNORIGINALITY. Hurans, Grats you took your species, changed 1 letter and expect people to believe it's some kind of alien thing? You could've ATLEAST given it a new language. PLUS they start in "Azteroth Keep". Dude WTF is that? If you knew jack **** about MMORPG's you'd know that Azeroth is the name of one of the continents on WoW.

Ha! You call me unoriginal? You are mistaken. I came up with the name Asteroth in one of my first novels Elves of Doomhand, which I began writing about 15 years ago (still awaiting the right publisher if anyone is out there), far before world of warcraft was made. If anything, Blizzard ripped MY idea off, since I have posted sections of my novels on many fanfic boards around the internet. But I don't hold it against them, it is a great name! I will be posting sections from my novels as examples later, so keep an eye out if you want to see real fantasy writing (unlike the wheel of TRASH series).



Dverez, you've taken dwarves, and changed the name, NOTHING ELSE. These "Ganoes" are exactly the same as the Gnomes in WoW, short, good and are supposed to be good at engineering. Grobots. LOL, You've read up on Draenei, taken the whole idea and made them robots. Grats on originality there. "Orgm" cross between Orcs and Ogres, and maybe a bit of Trolls. Oh man, you are reallllly **** at thinking of your own ideas aren't you?

I can't think up names eh? How about this name for you then: Dumkopf. Because that's what you are, a Dumkopf, (which means crazy person in German). You can't accept that someone smarter than you (me) could possibly have such a good idea so you accuse me of ripping them off. As I said before, I came up with all these ideas YEARS before blizzard even existed, so if anyone stole ideas, they stole them from me. If they did, I am glad that the characters I created are so beloved (although in an inferior RPG) but I do with they would give me credit. Also you keep misspelling congradulations if you didn't notice you write grats, which is not a word! ;)



You wanna know why those kids threw **** at you? Because you're an ADULT, dressed up as a character in a KIDS cartoon show, and your comeback was "Why don't you go insult a caveman" They would've been thinking "WHAT A ****ING LOSER". Wow, LOL I just read this. "My point is that if we had been playing an MMO I could have decimated these dimwits in about 5 seconds and still had time to purr and lick my tail clean before trotting off into the woods. So that is why Quest for Time will have no safe areas. I hope to see you there boys, then we’ll see who has the last laugh!" LOL, OMG LOL ROFL. I find it highly amusing that you could only beat some children in a video game.

I could have decimated them, and I could definitely have mega-decimated the likes of you! I am sure you don't know how to handle a medival asian weapon as well as I can, and you probably don't even know a SINGLE form of martial arts. I, on the other hand, am fluent in 3-5 forms of martial art, and also play a mean six string guitar, and I hustle pool on the weekends, if I do say so myself. So who has the last laugh now, child?



To finish off, I'll point out the flaws of "What you  are getting" Stunning, advanced graphics engine. Yeah, because 2D is stunning and advance amirite? Better-than realistic physics engine which will even model leaves falling if you cut them off a tree. Every game has this, it's nothing special.

Damn fool of a Took! Those screens I posted were not from Quest for Time, it isn't even in development yet! I only posted shots from RPGs which I thought represented the fun and action I was describing! Now isn't your face beat red? And you say every game has the physics engine I described? You are nothing but an ignorant mule, there has never been a game that even modeled leaves on a tree, let alone one where you can cut a single leaf free and it will float beautifully to the ground "leave"ing you (little joke there) to gasp in awe, which my game has in spades.



Two character slots to create two characters of your choice. ****, A WHOLE TWO CHARACTER SLOTS. WoW has 10 for every server, even Runescape doesn't have a limit for characters. Everquest 1 soundtrack CD. LOL, The soundtrack from another game that's almost certainly copyrighted.

Which would you rather have? Two character slots for the most deepest characters you have ever designed, with customization down to the color of individual hairs on the head, or 10 character slots for a ganeric troll who looks like every other troll you meat? Because Quest for Time values quality over quantity, you will be surprised to even see that we offer two slots, because you will probably never even use the second. As for the Everquest CD, I only wished to provide people with a history lesson on the grand and epic music which EQ contained. I am sure the developers wouldn't reject my offer to give them free advertising and new subscribers. Anyways, last time I checked america was a free country and I can do whatever I want this isn't communist Finland.



From James:
Your game idea is ridiculous if you steal other peoples ideas that doesn't make it original, you dress up like child's cartoon character in public, you think mating with animals is fine, and your an ignorant fool. You know not of what you speak whether it be the politics of Finland or basic thinking skills. You make fun of others grammar, and they have good grammar they are just online and choose to abbreviate. Your grammar is awful (huger isn't a world and neither is congradulations), pick up a 3rd grade grammar book and stick to playing the games not making them.


The Baron Replies:
Oh James, James, James, how nice of you to write in! Let me just set the record straight here: Naruto is NOT a children's cartoon character, he is from an ANIME which many adults like mysef (32) enjoy watching, it is not just for children. Naruto has everything you could ever want in a telivised novel: Great characters, an amazing story, hot women (rawwrr), and a kickin' soundtrack. Also I feel a connection with naruto because of his childlike innocence and his cat whiskers (which I only dream of having).
Which brings me to your next point where you insult me for being what you would probably call a "furry". Well I will have you know sir that it is people like you who make us glad to not be attracted to humans! Give me a sexy werewolf any day over a judgemental woman.
Also you know nothing about the continent of Finland (as do few people who have written me lately) so keep your mouth shut so you don't embarass yourselves further! The same goes for my grammar, you people are as bad as the editor of this site, he tried to insist upon editing MY articles, but I refused to allow it! There is a certain writing style which I have that only my true fans can appreciate (and not some philistine). Go back to kindergarten and play in the streets because you are a baby.


This is another long letter, so I have made it easier to respond by breaking it up into bite-sized pieces.

From Mark J:
Hello, I found a link to this website on a message board making fun of it and I was appauled by your response to the feedback of people who e-mailed you. You made a reference to communist Finland that is wrong Finland is a parliamentary democracy, similar to England.

I have already responded to the Finland point in the previous letter but you are incorrect about England. As far as I know england has a KING which makes it a monarchy (haven't you ever played Civilization?)



You also made a reference to the "God of Scientology" Xenu, which is again wrong. I am no scientologist but i at least know that Xenu was no God he was an Evil King in the back round story of Scientology.

You somehow believe that you know more than me about Scientology, but yet you are not even a Scientologist (please capotalize this)! When I discovered scientology it changed my life forever, and when you insult Xenu it is offensive to me. If you were a Jewish I wouldn't go around insulting your god Harry Krishna, so please don't insult Xenu.



When reading your website I constantly asked myself "is this guy joking?" When someone said you wouldn't be able to get Everquest soundtracks on your game you said this is America and you can do what ever you want. This is true, but there are laws that citizens of this country have to abide by and one of them is you can't take other peoples stuff if it's copyrighted.

So not only are you a Scientology expert, but you are also a Lawyer?! Heavens to betsy! I can forgive you for not knowing the laws of the United States though seeing as you probably live in England. Why don't you read a little document called the Declaration of Independance, and perhaps read the first Commandment: FREEDOM OF SPEECH (p.s. writing is considered speech in case you hadn't heard!)



You also believe that blizzard a multi-million dollar company stole your ideas?, i hate to break it to you but it was the other way around. Also 24.50 for a  monthly fee is ridiculous, when you can pay 15 dollars for a much better game. Also if the game isn't even fully developed how do you know it will cost 24.50 monthly? With no NPCs some players of the game will be stuck with the meaningless task of giving out quests and selling goods, who is going to pay 24.50 a month for that? Also your originality is questionable at best, all your races are almost identical copies to that of Blizzard's World of Warcraft.

You don't have a clue what is good value my friend, Next!



Although your Anthroes idea is completely original. but the concept of human beings mating with animals is sick and wrong. Your grobots are somewhat original too. However the other six races are nearly identical copies to other games. I am not going into detail with what is wrong with your game idea, because other people have already said it. I am only saying listen to other peoples opinions make your game more unique, it wont fit out of all the other MMORPG's if its the same thing.

Right when you began insulting me for being a furry I said to myself "we have another racist on our hands." I don't blame you for it, but I have the feeling you don't even realize that you are prosecuting someone just because they are different. Well let me tell you buddy: You can't insult a black, you can't insult a gay, and you can't insult a man because he loves animals. May Xenu have pity on you when the great reckoning comes and the wheat is separated from the chaff.


You can insult people for insulting you, but you cannot insult people for having an opinion. Notice i refrained from insulting you as an individual only your ideas, and please do not pretend to know things you don't, it is insulting to us who do know. I did not write this to make fun of you (what i wanted to say has already been said by others) only to tell you don’t make references to things you have no knowledge about, and listen to others.


I know your intentions were noble, but you have only served to make me dissapointed in you. You say you didn't insult me but my ideas, but what else makes up a man besides his ideas? As alucard says in Castlevania Symphony of the Night: "What is a man? Nothing but a miserable pile of secrets..." Well my only secret is that I love games and I wanted to make one of my own, and I think I did a pretty darn good job of it too. Thank you and good eavning.



From Ilenne A:

...You must have Colbert size balls for making this game, I give you that. However, there are problems with you game. For one, most the races are probably unoriginal. Second, if there is pvp everywhere, then every newb would have a hard time because there will always be a war loving machine who would kill them off. Third, NPCs are the most important part of every MMO in existents today. I do not want to sell vendor crap to people who probably will never need it. I will praise you for having some pretty excellent ideas. For one, having no mini map will mean that players will have to be adventurers themselves. I always like a good roleplay, but like I said earlier, you need NPCs.

I also need some clarification on two of the issues that I hope that you will express:

Do you have the rights for the soundtrack that you are planned on using?

How does the player created quests will work (in terms on how people
should make them)?

To conclude this sent email, I will have to say is that if you are really
trying to make this MMO, at least make some changes. I do not want to see
how this game with high hopes be destroy.

Thank you.


The Baron Replies:
No thank you for writing in madam! Aside from your reference to my genitalia you seem like a very civilized person, even if you are incorrect on most of your points. For the races being unoriginal, did you call World of Warcrafts unoriginal for ripping off my races, which I created first in my very first short story (With My Fists Wrapped Around Your Staff) No you did not, because you are in love with war craft and you probably wish to become its bride (LOL being a little funny here), and I am but a mere peasant who wrote a short story which publishers are too short-sighted to publish.

You also say if pvp is everywhere that the n00bs (in my game they are called lowbies, another term I invented by the way) will get killed before they even get a chance to click begin. I see this as realistic and a good thing too. Realistic because as I said: The real world is a harsh and dangerous place with drug dealers and street gangs and violent jaywalking pedestrians on the streets. The lowbies of this real world (the children) haven’t got a chance and many are forced to eat from the garbage and shine shoes on the street corner for nickels. My game is just realistic. It is a good thing in game as well because when a lowbie is killed again and again right after logging in they might say to themselves: “Hmm what am I doing wrong here” and then be smarter next time around. They also might just give up and say “Methinks this game isn’t for me after all” and I will gladly see them go, because nobody likes a quitter.

As for me having the rights to the Everquest soundtrack, I have already explained in the mail section that in America (The United States) we have the right to three freedoms: Freedom of Speech, Freedom of Religion, and Freedom from Depress. Freedom of religion is self explanatory; this means you have the right to worship Jesus in whatever way you choose, weather it be at church or in your home. Freedom from Depress means that no man should be put down or sad, you are free to engage in entertainment and watch films to cheer you up (LOTR wooo!) Finally freedom of speech: This means that you can say or do anything you choose, weather it be criticizing the president or creating a copy of a CD for friends. This is why I can distribute the Everquest CD. If the cops ever question me I will say the people who play my game are my friends (and I hope they are)! In case you haven't noticed I know quite a bit about the law, I own every available season of Law & Order on DVD.

Your question about player created quests will be answered at a later time in another article. I am currently working on publishing some more information about Quest for Time so keep in touch friends, and may the force be with you, always…




Quest for Time Part 2: New Details

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By The Baron
Hello internet voyagers, and welcome to the next installment of The Baron’s column. In this segment I am going to do something I know a lot of you have been waiting for: I am going to reveal some new details from my MMORPG, Quest for Time! There has been a lot of interest in my first article about Quest for Time, not to mention the jealous n00bs who write in insulting me, but I think they are interested too. So I thought I would throw all of the fans a bone and reveal some more juicy details… Enjoy!

Quest for Time Part 1: The Idea

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By The Baron
Ahoy again fellow dragonslayers! And welcome to The Baron’s column of blighting! In today’s column I will be talking about the online RPG game I am developing. Another name for online role playing games is MMORPG (multiperson-on-line-role-playing-game). The MMORPG game which I am creating is called Quest For Time. It will undoubtedly be one of the most successful online games ever created if I ever get the funding for it, which probably won’t be happening any time soon, my social life (LARPing & Anthrocon preparations!) gets in the way! :( Anywhoo, here is a basic outline of the races I have written up as well as some great pictures of what each race will eventually look like. I will follow up with more details when I get the time.





What Now?