Variety: Preview

Oh No, Michael Jackson Died! Quick, Everyone Start Buying His Shit!

Crusty Dead JacksonWhat? Michael Jackson is DEAD?! That's TERRIBLE! Oh man, that's a blow; really is it...the world seems a little bit darker today, doesn't it? I always respected him; I was one of his biggest fans!

Wait, what do you mean I never even liked any of Michael Jackson's music? How dare you say that to me! Oh, what, just because you've never heard me listening to him suddenly I don't "like his music"? I see how it is. People like you make me sick. The man is DEAD, you realize that right? He isn't coming back.
 
And anyway, it isn't true. I really DO like his music! Hold on...

A Free Chair? No Thank You Sir.

Supply GuysThe following is a true story (yes, really). Recently, an online office furniture supplier contacted me via email claiming they had an offer which would be 'mutually beneficial' to both of us. I was skeptical, but also curious, so I sent a message back asking what was what. Here's the gist of the reply I got:
 
WE WOULD LIKE TO SEND YOU A 100% FREE PRODUCT OR CHAIR TO EITHER USE YORUSELF OR DONATE TO A LUCKY READER!!!!! ALL WE ASK IS IF ONLY YOU WOULD ALLOW US TO DRAFT A 100% ORIGINAL ARTICLE REVIEWING THE CHAIR (OR PRODUCT OF COURSE!!) FOR YOU TO THEN PUT ON YOUR WEBSITE FOR THE READERS!!! PLEASE LET US KNOW IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN THIS IONE OF A KIND OFFER!!!
 
Needless to say, upon reading this I became outraged and inexplicably violent.

Statement of Ethics

A Statement of Ethics for the VOONT.COM WEB DESTINATION

(From the AFSNews, February 1988, volume 17, no. 1)

At its October 1987 meeting, the Executive Board of the Society approved a final draft of a Statement of Ethics for AFS. Though the Statement printed below has gained the approval of the Board, this should not be considered the final word on the subject. The Board expects and in fact urges members to explore the abstract and practical implications of this statement, and most important, to communicate their descriptions on and opinions on matters of ethical concern in the Newsletter and the Journal of American Folklore.

Charity Watch: The United Way

United wayAs many of you may well know, I'm a filthy whore for charity. Seriously, it can be a real problem. I just can't seem to stop giving; it's ridiculous! But anyway, I just thought I'd let everyone know about the latest charity I'm supporting is The United Way. You've probably heard of them, they're a pretty popular charity. Anyway, the point is: I've decided to donate 50% of the revenue I receive from this website to United Way. That's great isn't it? Yeah, it really is. I'm a good person.

How to Greet Someone Without Getting Punched

Troubling GreetingFinding ways to say hello to others a burden which even the most antisocial of us must bear at some point in our lives. Some people utilize a standard "classic" greeting such as "Hi" or "Hello", while others go with more original material such as "Ahoy hoy!", "What's up rapey?" or "Nice ass, mind if I have a look inside?"

Yes, the ways of saying hello are as varied as the colors of the martian sun, and this article serves as a sort of overview of some of my favorites.

Unforgivable Game Design Sins

Crying ManlyAs someone who most people would consider to be pretty annoying, I'm in a good position to know what's bothersome and what isn't. So I've decided to go through a few little things in videogames which annoy me. This is stuff that developers should easily be able to fix, but they're either too stupid, or too lazy to do it. They shouldn't be able to get away with all this crap. Someone has to call them out! Obviously I can't do it, because what pull do I have? All I do is run this piece of crap site.

The only thing I really can do is write a half-assed article bitching about these things on this website (which, again, nobody ever reads). Guess I'll just do that then. That'll learn em.

Pop Culture Icons I Am Unfamiliar With: The Flying Nun

NunSo yeah, I definitely don't have any idea what The Flying Nun is. The words “The Flying Nun” reside somewhere deep in my psyche, and when I hear someone speak them (in that order) I feel a small surge of recognition (as in: Oh, that's a thing which I am aware of the existence of) hat's about as far as my understanding of The Flying Nun goes.

Also, I feel it should be noted that I found all the pictures in this article by typing “flying nun” into google image search, so any Flying Nun fans out there shouldn't be angry with me if a few of them happen to not feature the official flying nun. Thank you.

Mother's Day: A History in Picture

WomanThe following is a mother's day card I have created.

Feel free to print it and arrange it on construction paper as you see fit.

Mother's will love to receive this card as a gift (and it's free).

Just sign your name at the end.

You'll be golden.

Black People Are Good Folks

Black GuyBy Tommy Perkins
I dont think my granpa Carvello likes black people much. Every time were in the car and a black guy even comes close he presses the button so the door locks real quick.

one time I asked: hey granpa why did you do that anyhow and he says: You know you got to watch those people tommy. I don't know why. I seen many black guys and there all nice.

And let me tell you about my favorite three black guys now!

Animal Awards: Dogs

BenjiA lot of people love dogs, but I have to say I'm not really a big fan. They jump up on you, they smell like an open sewer, they slobber all the time and tear apart your shoes; it's just a huge mess. The same thing goes for celebrity dogs. A lot of people tend to romanticize these animals, but they've got all the same vices as regular dogs. They just didn't show that stuff on the shows.

For example, if Lassie really wanted to be truthful, it would show her coming home each day after rescuing a kid from a fire or whatever she did, vomiting a bunch of guts from a dead gopher she ate onto the couch, and then she would spend the rest of the night running back and forth in the living room barking at a bug on the ceiling. So yeah, dogs are insane, and here are some more famous ones to prove it.




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