Variety: Preview

The Baron's Guide to Slang

Gang SignBy Martin "The Baron" Russmier
Recently I paid a visit to my local electronics store. After browsing for a short time, I approached one of the employees, a young urban youth (he was white in case you’re planning to call me a racialist) to ask if they carried the boxed set of the original Batman cartoon series. The ignorant young'n took a moment to think, and then replied in the only way I assume he had learned “on the streets”: By babbling some incomprehensible nonsense. I had no clue what he was trying to tell me, so I never got my DVD.

I assume many of the more educated among you have this same problem as well when trying to communicate with these street people, so with this in mind, I’ve done some research and come up with this guide to urban slang for those who require it.

Sainted/Tainted: Speeders & Harry Potter

SaintedOftentimes I laugh aloud as I read the Sainted/Tainted portion of the newspaper. I think this is because I am a bad person. I enjoy seeing ordinary people’s petty annoyances and meaningless good deeds splayed across the page as if they are somehow important. I laugh because they are not. I laugh and I laugh and I laugh. And then I cry for a while. I usually don't stop crying until I fall asleep. I have a hard life.

So let us scream together while reading the following stories: Man Hit By Car, Reckless Drivers Speed Through Neighborhood, Rude Theatergoers, and more! THERE'S SO MUCH MORE I CAN'T HANDLE IT!

Animal Awards 2: Bears

Teddy RuxpinWithin the animal kingdom I have to assume bears are seen as somewhat of a success story (at least when it comes to show business). I bet you can’t even think of a single television program, business, or radio show which doesn’t prominently feature a bear in some way. Go ahead and try. I’ll wait.

OK. You back? Did you actually try it? If you did, I’m sure you were probably able to think of about a hundred things which don’t involve bears at all. I guess you called my bluff, and I hope you’re satisfied. But in any case, here are my awards for Worst Famous Bears Ever.

Man Things I Cannot Do: Pipe Repair

HammerI often have trouble with basic motor skills. For example: I am completely unable to perform even the simplest of household repair tasks without nearly destroying (or at least unintentionally vandalizing) the thing which I am attempting to “fix”.

I blame most of this on my brain: “You have already spent more than three minutes performing this boring task,” it seems to say to me, “Rush and get it done in a haphazard fashion so we can go watch COPS.” Of course I always listen, because my brain always seems so smart (and also I really like COPS). But I suppose the bottom line is this: Keep reading if you want to see how pathetic I am.

Animal Awards: Apes

ApesWhat’s so great about apes anyway? In my opinion, not much. One a scale of one to ten, I would probably rate my interest in apes at about a four. I’ve seen apes around town, but I haven’t really paid any special attention to them.

Which is to say: I don’t actively dislike apes, but frankly I’m not a huge fan of them either. So it is with a mild disinterest that I announce that I have inexplicably decided to give out achievement awards to many different styles of animal, beginning with the apes.

The YouTube Sewer

Sewer SurfinI have discovered some strange and beautiful things on youtube. This article showcases my favorites. Of course I realize everyone is probably already sort of burned out from receiving thousands of random "funny" video links per day, but I have to say I'm fairly confident in the quality of my list.

So now, in (belated) celebration of Wright Brothers Day , I pass this video knowledge on to you. May it find you in the best of health. Or not. Whatever.

Pickup Lines: Worst of The Worst (Part 2)


Pick-up Lines: Just Plain Lame

These lines come from a large (and astoundingly poorly arranged) compilation of what appear to be user-submitted pickup lines. It also lists the number of attempts and successes people claim to have had with them. As you might've guessed from the title of this site, these lines are supposed to be deliberately lame. A nice try, but it does little to excuse the content.

This Article Is Just A Picture Of A Shoe

It's just what the title says.

Sainted / Tainted 7: Children & Drunks

Crazy Kid Children are wonderful gifts. We should all be so lucky as to have a one sometime. But those of us who hate children or are asexual will never experience childjoy unless we somehow manage to accidentally knock somebody up or reproduce spontaneously, which is a little sad. So on a barely-related note, today’s Sainted/Tainted features only complaints/kudos from a child's perspective. Read it if you want to, but I'm not going to try and force it on you.

What Now?