Web Detritus (Week of 06.27.10)

Web Detritus BearsI changed the name of this column from "Weird News" to "Web Detritus. Seeing as this is pretty much just an assemblage of all the leftover crap I find throughout the week and can't use anywhere else, I think the name fits.

So please enjoy this week's edition. Thank you, and thank you.
 

WEIRD NEWS

Man Dressed As Leprechaun Sought In Frolicking Case
Colorado police said they responded to a report of a man in a leprechaun outfit jumping between cars in a parking lot. Officers responded to the King Soopers parking lot at about 1 p.m. Wednesday on a report of the leprechaun-suited man darting between cars, pretending to shoot people with his fingers and possibly making obscene gestures, the Boulder Daily Camera reported Thursday.

Police [arrived but] were unable to find anyone matching the caller's description.
Moscow Governor Proves He Is Awesomest Man On Earth
The governor of Russia's Moscow Region said people who are tired of traffic jams should trade in their cars for helicopters.

Moscow Region Gov. Boris Gromov told reporters Friday recent large-scale traffic jams on the Leningradskoye Highway were the jurisdiction of Moscow city leaders, but he did offer a solution for residents, RIA Novosti reported Friday.

"I travel in a helicopter," Gromov said. "You should also buy helicopters instead of cars -- then you will not need roads."

Gromov said about 400 residents of the Moscow Region own helicopters.
Whoevre Write This Schcool Test Cant Spell To Good
The school superintendent in Springfield, Mass., has taken responsibility for tests given to the district's 11th- and 12th-graders that were rife with spelling, grammatical and factual errors.
 
Two tests given in May to about 2,600 students contained about 100 errors combined. The mistakes included the phrases "truning around" and "For God's skae," as well as a note on one test that read "This is the end of the Test," when there were two more pages.

Superintendent Alan Ingram [said] the district's own proofreaders dropped the ball. He said he would make sure the district does a better job of checking the tests in the future.
Vietnamese Acupuncturist Claims She Can Detect Rapist's Virginity Causing Dumbass Vietnamese To Release Convicted Rapists
An acupuncturist who claims she can detect a man's virginity based on a small dot on the ear has become a minor celebrity in Vietnam, where she is credited with helping to free three convicted rapists from prison. [Bullshit] practitioner Pham Thi Hong started lobbying for the men's release, pleading their case all the way to the president, because she [is ignorant enough to believe that] all three men are virgins and therefore could not be guilty of rape.
 
"They all had small red spots on the back of their ears," said Hong [squirming in a pool of ferret blood and excrement which she believes will protect her from the evil spirits of her long-dead ancestors], "The spots should have disappeared if they had had sex. My many years of experience [as a piece of shit scam artist] told me that these men did not have sex before."
 
Her virgin-detecting claims have drawn skepticism from other practitioners [of fake medicine] who work with needles, herbs and other methods using [hilariously outdated and nearly prehistoric techniques] to manipulate energy, or chi, in the body.

 
"I have never heard of this method before," said Nguyen Van Hao, 60, an acupuncturist who has practiced for 14 years [making no attempt to conceal the jealousy which commonly arises when one stake oil salesman gets more attention than another]. "From the medical point of view [which, granted I am unfamiliar with due to the fact that I am a fucking acupuncturist], it's impossible to determine whether a man has had sex or not by feeling the pulse or examining the red spot on their ears." [He then proceeded to haphazardly jam several hundred of tiny needles into an elderly man's back under the utterly laughable notion that it would cure chronic his fatigue syndrome].
 
Hong says her reputation has now prompted other convicted rapists to seek her help in appealing their cases.
 

COOL LINKS

Ernest Hemingway: Spectacularly Hilarious. Or Paranoid. Or Both?

Why You Think Poor People Are Lazy & Women Deserve To Be Raped

Hi I'm Troy McClure, You Might Remember Me From...

List of Rappers With "Lil" Prefacing Their Names
 
10 Movies Where The Bad Guys Win

Stop Wasting Your Money On These 25 Things

Tooth Regeneration Gel May Replace Painful Fillings
 
 

HEY FATSO: NEED A CASKET?

Casket
One of the biggest problems facing obese Americans these days is finding a coffin whose walls will stand up to their substantial girth. The last thing a recently deceased fat guy wants is for the structural integrity of his coffin to be compromised in the middle of his funeral, causing its walls to split open and thick white rivers of his flank lard to ooze down the stairs of the pulpit like something out of a bad 50s horror movie.
 
That's our where "Grand" caskets come in. These plus-sized beauties provide the perfect resting place for a plus-sized beauty. What are the features? Well I'm glad you asked.

Solid Steel Construction

Each and every one of our caskets is made from rock hard American Steel. This means strength, durability, and of course style. These are not the flimsy balsa wood or paperboard caskets like you may have seen on the television. Each one is specially guaranteed to hold up to 1000 pounds without warpage.

Gasketed Models Available

A coffin gasket is there to protect your loved one from the elements (rain, snow, worms, etc). But it also ensures that the decompositionary gasses (which will inevitably be released as a byproduct when their flesh and organs begin to decay) stay where mother nature intended: Inside a man-made steel box with the rotting, milky corpse of the person they emanated from.

Dolly

When it comes to the funerals for the obese, pallbearing is a grueling and dangerous exercise in exertion requiring the assistance of twelve men, stout of heart and clear of head. Not with our caskets. We provide each coffin with six to ten fully rotational wheels, as well as a number of easily extendable gripping handles, to ensure maximum maneuverability. Optional trailer hitch also available.

Save Money With Our Sponsors

We realize funerals can be expensive, so for those on a budget we offer our brand new sponsorship program. We've partnered with a number of prestigious brands (Mountain Dew, Tide, Verizon, & More!) to bring you deep discounts on each and every one of our funereal services. The way we manage this is by allowing the bereaved the opportunity to sell a valuable commodity (in this case, advertising space) during the ceremony to negate expense. The details of each package along with the credit you will receive for each are as follows:
 
  • Pulpit Ad - $10/Per
  • Casket Banner Ad (Top) - $20
  • Casket Banner Ad (Side) - $40
  • Animated Casket Ad W/Sound (Full Top) - $50
  • Animated Casket Ad W/Sound (Full Side) - $70
  • Deceased Wears Branded T-Shirt & Ball Cap - $100 (OPEN CASKET ONLY!)
  • 60 Second Audio Spot During Eulogy - $150
  • 30 Second Video Spot During Eulogy - $250
  • Product Review/Testimonial During Eulogy - $300
  • Full Funeral Brand Conversion (Inc. All of the Above) - $1400
 
We here at Dignified Caskets thank you all for reading, and here's hoping that everyone has a safe and happy funeral.
 

I DON'T FUCK AROUND



ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEW OF THE WEEK

All Caps Customer Review

 

And with that...he was gone.