Web Detritus (Week of 09.19.10)

WEB DETRITUS

A haphazard collection of fairly cool links, weird news stories, messed-up videos, and plenty of other random crap from all corners of the internet.

This Week: Walmart Masturbators, Goodfellas, Urination Rules, Animal Abuse Via Chainsaw, Inexplicable Bus Thieves, Study Bibles, & Enormous Bellowing Transvestites.

WEIRD NEWS

Man Allegedly Caught Masturbating In Walmart Toy Aisle [Edited For Clarity, And Made Slightly Less Gross]

At approximately 1756 hours I was dispatched to [Walmart] in reference to a possible lude and lescivious act. Upon arrival I met with [three employees] who stated that [they had observed] a male [choking the proverbial bishop] in the toy section of the store.

[A scarred-for-life female employee] stated that she heard what she thought was moaning noises coming from one of the aisles. She said she rounded the corner and observed [the suspect] standing with his [engorged lovetoy] out of his pants. Upon arrival, [a loss prevention associate] observed a male with his [tumescent whipper] out of his pants [throttling it] to a magazine. He advised that the defendant then [messily completed the act] onto the floor and wiped his hand on a toy [before] discarding the magazine behind some toys and proceeding to the front of the store.

Lovely Human Being Saws Apart Dog With Chainsaw While Children Watch

A New Mexico man faces animal cruelty charges after authorities say he used a chainsaw to kill a pit bull while his two children watched.

[Police say the man] told investigators the 2-year-old dog bit his 9-year-old daughter [and] felt the dog should be put down, so he grabbed a kitchen knife and tried to cut its throat. When that failed, Sexton told deputies he used the chainsaw.

Officials became aware of the incident Wednesday when an investigator from the state Children, Youth and Families Department alerted deputies about children who were having nightmares and reported seeing the dog's head removed.

Man Steals Bus, Poses As Bus Driver For Some Reason

Chicago transit officials said a man stole a uniform and posed as a bus driver, driving around the city for several hours and picking up passengers. Chicago Transit Authority President Richard Rodriguez said Thursday that the man drove the bus from 8 p.m. to midnight on Sept. 9.

The suspect was found out when he returned the bus to a CTA garage on the city's South Side and hit another bus. The suspect took off when a CTA employee went to get a supervisor.