In a daring move, I've changed the title of this series yet again. From now on it'll just be called "Weird News". You can save your letters and online petitions! I'll not change it back! Don't be nervous though, there's no sinister motive behind this change. I'm just getting tired of having to hold down shift and reach all the way up to the "7" to make that ampersand (or whatever it's called) symbol in the title. Talk about annoying.
Also, I am now accepting submissions for Weird News, so if you have something ridiculous or funny or offensive to share you can SUBMIT IT HERE.
WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEKMan Sets Self On Fire, Calls 911 6 Hours Later
A 40-year-old man told police he accidentally burned his hand while lighting a cigarette, then dropped the cigarette into his lap, where it ignited vodka that had spilled, authorities said. [The man claimed] he had burned himself some six hours earlier. He later told police he rolled on the floor for some time, and when he awoke hours later, dialed 911.Police Say Catholic Priest Was Caught Buying Cocaine
When [police] found the victim, he had third-degree burns on much of his body.
A Roman Catholic priest [is] facing drug possession charges after police say he was caught buying cocaine. Narcotics officers said they saw a man in a Jeep engage in a drug transaction the morning of Jan. 30 on a North Philadelphia street [and that] they stopped the vehicle and found a small amount of cocaine inside.Old People Happen To Get Married on Valentine's Day, World Feigns Interest Out of Misplaced Sense of Obligation
Diocesan spokesman William Genello said [the pastor] has been on a leave of absence since his arrest.
The marriage of a 91-year-old woman and a 90-year-old man which happened to coincide with Valentine's day was reported to an apathetic public by hundreds of online and print publications in a blatant attempt to prey on the psychological pressure most people feel to pretend they care about meaningless legal formalities observed by elderly strangersGroom Arrested Twice For Domestic Violence on Wedding Night
The old woman's blindness was also utilized as a tool to increase readership. It is not known if this was successful, though it probably was
While the couple has made no firm plans for the future, Briggs said he dreams of buying a schooner and sailing to Alaska with his new bride. Unfortunately for him, no reader of the story stuck around long enough to hear this, as all of them has simply read the headline, shrugged, and then paged over to the TV Guide section of the paper to see when "Judge Joe Brown" was on.
[A] 21-year-old groom from northern Idaho was arrested twice on his wedding night and charged with assaulting his new wife in nearby eastern Washington.Man Charged With Trying to Light Dad On Fire With Blowtorch
The Nez Perce County Sheriff's Office in Idaho said the man was married Sunday and later arrested for drunken and disorderly conduct in Lewiston. Police said that after the suspect was released on bail, he assaulted his new wife at a home in nearby Clarkston, Wash. The bride told authorities she was slapped and choked during the altercation.
The Hillsborough County Sheriff's Office reported a 52-year-old man doused his 77-year-old father with gasoline Sunday night. Then the son reportedly made a blowtorch with a can of bug spray and a lighter. Deputies said he sprayed it at his father but missed.
Authorities said the father and son had been arguing over money.
KENNY ROGERS DATING PAGE OF THE WEEK
Who's Dated Who - Kenny Rogers
I gotta admit, I'm a huge Kenny Rogers fan. I haven't really bought or listened to any of his CDs (not a big country fan) or seen him in concert or seen any of his movies or anything, but hey: who has? I did see part of that movie Maverick before. I know it isn't a Kenny Rogers movie but I always get that confused with The Gambler because it's an older movie about gambling that I have no interest in ever watching. Also, I bought the song The Gambler on Rock Band because I thought it would be hilarious to make someone sing it, but nobody would agree to it.
Anyway what was I even talking about? Oh yeah who Kenny Rogers was dating. Damn. Suddenly my work firewall blocked the site. Now how am I supposed to write about it? I'm sure as hell not going to go back and look when I get home. Oh well I remember some stuff:
- It said his starsign was Leo or a Virgo (can't remember which)
- He has his own fried chicken line. I don't think that was actually listed but I'm pretty sure I heard that somewhere before.
- One of the people he dated had the year 1993 listed by her name. I thought it was a birth year but that would mean he was dating a 17-year-old. I think he's like 80.
Actually that's all I can remember. Hope that's OK.
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
PRODUCT OF THE WEEK
Chudley's Devil Claw Root (250ml Bottle) - $20
Throughout history man has struggled with a crippling inability to nutritionally aid the musculo-skeletal system of dogs prone to muscle and joint problems. Not any more!
Introducing Chudley's Devil Claw Root: This revolutionary new product combines the futility of throwing money away on medicine for your pets with the worthlessness of homeopathy into one easy-to-pay-for product! Developed by Tom Chudley in 1923, Chudley's Devil Claw Root act's on your dog's lymphatic system to bring about increased skeletal bloodflow, larger node size, and causes muscle cells to operate on the (far superior) positive wavelength. Your fave pooch with once again enjoy the strength and stamina he experienced as a pup, leaving both of you happy, healthy, and sexually satisfied!
Still not convinced? Listen to these testimonials from just a few of our satisfied customers:
- "My dog took this product and walked down the stairs. Thanks
- "I poured Chudley's into my terrier's eyes and he went blind. But
overall I am satisfied with the behavior of this product."
- "Tom Chudley sexually assaulted my wife, but this product is so
impressive I can't help but use it anyway! There is no better
alternative to Chudley's Devil Claw root on earth. Bar none.
- "Upon dosing my dog Picard with Chudley's weekly I noted that emmitted one long bark continuously without stopping for a breath. Even while he was asleep, running down the street, or even eating he would continue with this bark. I took him to the vet but they couldn't help. They suggested a muzzle but I have found that the bark is strong enough that any muzzle is broken by it. My wife says I should just have him put down or at least stop giving him the Chudley's but I think it is doing his skeleton good as it has never looked better. Please help."
So head to your local pet health food store and pick up a couple gallons of Chudley's. You'll be glad you did!
ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEW OF THE WEEK
Alright, that's it for this week's Weird News. Remember if you've got a website, link, or story that's dumb enough, you can GO AHEAD AND SUBMIT IT.