Weird News & Links (Week of 02.07.10)

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Weird News & Links - Dead Zebra
Kids today have no respect for the elderly. Yesterday, for example, I was out walking my cat Captain Planet and I spotted a group of children harassing an old woman who was carrying a loaf of fresh bread. They spat and shouted curses such as "Crippled Hag", "Diseased Hag" and "Drop Dead Hag!" Then one of them struck her in the face with an implement and they laughed and pushed her into the street and a car ran over her without even stopping. Overall I would give this behavior a 10/10 for spunk and a 0/10 for respect. Respect your elders kids.
 
This week in Weird News: Lotion thieves, pedophilic cartoon bears, Christian videogame reviews, and Russian tanks. Word.
 

WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEK

Man Stuffs 75 Bottles of Lotion Down Pants
Police say a Massachusetts man who stuffed 75 bottles of body lotion in his pants couldn't slip away from authorities, hampered by slacks that were nearly bursting at the seams.Springfield police say 30-year-old Chamil Guadarrama of Framingham was charged with larceny after the incident Wednesday night at Bath and Body Works in the Eastfield Mall.

Police say mall security officers chased Guadarrama, but he had stuffed so many of the eight-ounce lotion containers in his pants that he could barely run. Police say he could not bend over to get in the police cruiser until some of the bottles were removed.

Man Fined 50 Dollars for Sniffing Cakes
A Canadian man in [was] fined $50 Friday for sniffing and touching cakes in a supermarket bakery department. He had previously pleaded guilty to a mischief charge [in which] staff claimed he had been licking the cakes. At his sentencing, Rodrigue told the judge he had not licked the cakes, but admitted to sniffing and touching them, but did not explain why.

Alexander Rodrigue, 23, was also ordered to make restitution for the cakes and stay away from the supermarket for four months.

Man Claims He Was Beaten For Joining Topless Dancers
In a lawsuit filed last week, William C. Brown alleges that he was knocked unconscious by one or more bouncers after he took the stage at the Jokers Wild cocktail lounge and "participated in a dancer's performance."

[He] says the attack actually came after he left the stage and was in the process of counting 40 $1 bills he apparently planned to distribute to dancers at the southside business, which features topless dancing. [The man claims to have been] knocked unconscious by a sudden punch to the face and then relieved of his 40 $1 bills.

Poland Declares Pedophilic Bear Olympic Mascot
It appears that the newspaper lifted the picture from Google Images, unaware that it had been created as a prank by Michael Barrick, a Canadian artist and graphic designer. Pedobear [was] originally devised by members of the anarchic 4chan message board as a way of mocking users who expressed a sexual interest in young people. 

Man Wielding Sledgehammer Uses Stun Gun on Dance Instructor
A Baraboo man was accused of repeatedly shocking a male dance instructor with a stun gun, claiming the instructor was a "sinner" who "defiles married women." A Dane County prosecutor said the suspect, 59, hastily arranged a dance lesson at the instructor's Madison home and showed up with a stun gun and sledgehammer last Friday. [The man] told a detective that his church does not condone touching while dancing and that he was going to scare the instructor "and tell him to leave the women alone."

The Wisconsin State Journal said the instructor told police that the suspect phoned for private dance lessons, and when he opened the door to his home, he began to shock him repeatedly in the neck with the stun gun.

CHRISTIAN VIDEOGAME REVIEW WEBSITE OF THE WEEK

Weird News & Links - Christian Gaming
Family Friendly Gaming
Like most true Christians, I find it difficult to enjoy modern videogames because of all the ungodly and pornographic subject matter that most of them contain. For example, I recently attempted to play the game Bayontta for XBOX360. To my dismay the game not only contained a female, but it also contained violence. Both of these things gave me Needless to say I threw the game onto our godpyre after playing 5 minutes of it and immediately got to work on tamping down the engorgement that Satan had wickedly bestowed upon my manparts.
 
It is lucky then that I have stumbled across this site, which reviews popular video games from a Christian perspective. Here some excerpts I've condensed into poetic mini-reviews to give you a taste of the spicy Christlike flavor that these kids inject into each godless game.


Imagine Party Babyz

This fun little party game on the Wii revolves around babies.
 
Some of the mini games really give family members a real workout.
 
The laughing, giggling, and overall happiness of the babies brought joy to my heart.
 
The lady working on her degree [???] is dressed appropriately, which is a nice change of pace [for] the video game industry.
 
I had a lot of fun playing Imagine Party Babyz.

86/100

Afro Samurai

Afro Samurai has the distinct honor of being one of the lowest scoring video games that Family Friendly Gaming has reviewed.
 
The African American samurai has a possessed headband that enjoys a murderous killing spree.
 
The worst kind of profanity comes spewing out at such a high frequency that it gave this reviewer a head ache, and editors could not stand more than ten minutes at a time.
 
Samuel Jackson lends his vocals, but it only draws this game further into the gutter.
 
No sequels are needed to this PS3/Xbox 360 video game ever.
32/100

Final Fantasy X

The big joke in the video game industry is how the Final Fantasy games are never final [LOL, ed.]
 
Commands are given to the characters and they enact them.
 
Graphically this game was one of the best when it was released.
 
Unfortunately there is a dark side to these graphics, as most of the female characters dress very seductively. Also most of the women are busting out of their skimpy costumes, or their costumes are skin tight.
 
Dead people are also allowed to continue on in this game.
 
Another problem is the church of Yevon is lying to the people. Square Enix could not seem to go away from this attack on the church, and this reviewer was bothered deeply by it.
70/100
 
I hope you enjoyed these reviews and that they helped you get a little closer to Christ. Give thanks.
 
 

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

 
 

PRODUCT OF THE WEEK

 Weird News & Links - Tank
T72 Russian Battle Tank - Good Condition -$68,090

Features

  • Excellent Performance, Very Reliable
  • Faster, with better performance than Chieftan or M60 Tanks
  • V46 V-12 water cooled dieseldeveloping Engine (840hp at 2000rpm)
  • Easy to follow driving, control and maintenance instructions (English)
  • 125mm Smoothbore Autoloader Gun
  • Seats 3


ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEW OF THE WEEK

Van Halen - Van Halen

Weird News & Links - Customer Review Van Halen
I've also gotta give credit to this guy for being one of the most enthusiastic and prolific ALL-CAPS (mostly) writer I've seen on Amazon so far. Cats got style. Check out the rest of his reviews (all 13+ pages or so) HERE.
 
 

Thanks for reading everyone, and may your love and respect for one-another burn hotter than the combined strength of ten thousand suns.
 
Or not. Whatever.