Weird News (Week of 02.21.10)

WEB DETRITUS

Stories this week include (but are not limited to!) a nude man thrusting in a library, women morphing into dolphins, obscenely lowered trucks, Metallica, and the unasked-for ability to create a terrifying doll of yourself.

Thank you and thank you!

WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEK

Kids Accidentally Shown Lesbian Porn at School

Officials said students at a Cliff High School history class in Silver City were shown a film by a substitute teacher about the Paris 1919 Treaty of Versailles, but the beginning of the tape contained a few seconds of footage depicting two nude women, one of whom was masturbating.

[The Superintendent] said the tape shown Feb. 11 was a program recorded from the History Channel and had apparently been taped over pornographic materials. Pool said the teacher who left the tape to be played by the substitute was shocked at the pornographic content and had shown the tape previously without the explicit materials becoming visible.

Police Say Man Got Naked In Library, Stole Children's Books

[A] 58-year-old employee told police she was working in the [library] at 10:30 a.m. and assisted a man in making book selections. She returned to her desk and looked up to see the man step out from behind a bookcase, completely naked.

The man "thrust his hips in the direction" of the woman, but didn't make any other movements toward her. The employee went upstairs and called police. By the time officers got there, the man had fled through an emergency exit, taking his clothes and the children's books with him.

Man Complains to Cops of Hashish Hallucinations

Police in Sweden said a man walked into a local precinct to complain about the quality of hashish he had purchased from a dealer.

Eslov police said the 26-year-old man told police he was a frequent user of marijuana [but] the latest batch of hash he purchased [made] him feel like his TV was talking to him and his girlfriend was turning into a dolphin.

Brainwashed, Arrogant Girl Refuses to Do Schoolwork Due to Asshole Parents

A North Carolina high school student said she was willing to sacrifice her honor roll grades to avoid writing an essay contrary to her Christian beliefs. [The girl], a student at Gray's Creek High School in Fayetteville, said her English class was instructed to write essays making deals with the devil as part of a curriculum studying Washington Irving's short story "The Devil and Tom Walker."

Trough said her [delusions] bar her from writing about deals with the devil.

"I believe you don't write about how to sell your soul to the devil," she said [whipping her hair over her shoulder and flouncing out of the room, while her teacher rolled his eyes].

The girl's parents said they agreed with their daughter.

"We can't allow God into the classrooms, but yet they are going to allow the devil in the classroom, that's the way I felt," said her mother, [snorting haughtily and biting down into the lid of a can of beans with her single remaining tooth]. "They were told if they didn't do it they would get a zero."

[Teachers] have now given her an alternate subject for her essay, how and why money is important [in order to shut her and her parents the fuck up]. She said the new essay subject is acceptable [and dismissed the teacher with a wave of her chubby hand, delighting in the knowledge that the public school system was so receptive to the childish whims of a single mountain-bred family].

Man Claims Mascot Assaulted Him With Hot Dog

A Kansas, man's lawsuit against the Kansas City Royals alleges he suffered an eye injury from a hot dog thrown by team mascot Sluggerrr.

[The man] filed a suit in Jackson County Circuit Court alleging he suffered a detached retina and cataracts after he was struck in the eye by a hot dog tossed by the mascot during a Sept. 8 home game at Kauffman Stadium, The Kansas City Star reported Wednesday.

"(Sluggerrr) attempted to throw a hot dog into the stands with a throw behind his back," the suit states. "Instead of throwing the hot dog at an arch high into the stands, (Sluggerrr) lost control of his throw, or was reckless with his throw, and threw the hot dog directly into plaintiff, who was sitting a few feet away."

Drunken Mom Allegedly Runs Through School With Sword

Police said the mother of an elementary school student drank a 40 ounce bottle of malt liquor before brandishing a sword in her child's school. The woman, 32, apparently intended to confront the parents of another child who had been in a spitting match with her child the previous day.

[An] employee at Riverview Elementary School in Memphis reported a drunk woman armed with a sword was running through the halls of the school and had threatened to cut her.

WEBSITE FEATURING LOWERED/RAISED TRUCKS OF THE WEEK

Mud Truckin

Like most American men who didn't attend college, I'm a huge fan of small, impractical US-Built trucks of limited reliability! It should go without saying that I also enjoy the act of "lowering" these trucks within decimeters of the ground, or raising them to gaudily dangerous heights for no apparent reason at all. Of course I realize that it look absolutely ridiculous and that it robs the automobile of what little functionality it originally possessed rendering it nearly undrivable under any number of common circumstances, but sheeeeat, it's just plan fun!

And if you don't mind me sayin' so, driving a beast like this is also a sure-fire way to get chicks. Sure, some people like to claim that "any girl who's trashy enough to ostensibly sleep with a man because he drives a certain style of vehicle is certainly trashy enough to sleep with that same man if he got her only slightly drunk" but I'm not having any of it. I've found that there's a certain class of woman who appreciates a lowered vehicle, and that's certainly good enough for me.

That's why I love Mini Truckin, it celebrates the lifestyle I've chosen to lead: Getting wasted on watery American beer while listening to corporate rock radio, and then sobbing while jerking off to a calendar featuring photos of abnormally busty Asian women with horsefaces in leather clothing standing in front of hot pink 1994 GMC Sonomas. Yeap, life is pretty sweet.

Here are a few of my favorite rides, as featured on the site.