This just in! This just in! Hoarders Buried Alive Under Mounds of Garbage! Kid Drinks Cup of Feces at Elementary School! Wild Animal Shanked in Prison Yard! Drunk Arsonist Behaves Irresponsibly! Humans Slurp Down Mexican Ringworms to Cure Diseases!
Alright, my use of "This just in" may have been somewhat disingenuous since all this crap happened over a week, but I really just like typing "This just in". This just in! This just in! Now If I could only work in "stop the presses" somehow my life would be complete. Maybe another time.
WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEKElderly Couple Found Buried Alive Under Trash
Fire crews investigating a mysterious stench found an elderly couple buried alive under mounds of garbage in their Chicago home, authorities said Tuesday. The couple, in their seventies, were found Monday night, fire department spokesman Larry Langford said. The fire department team forced in the door of the South Side home and found an overpowering smell, piles of food waste and trash.Robbers Squirt Victims With Fecal Spray
Police had initially been called to the two-flat apartment building by neighbors who had not seen the couple in some time and wondered about their welfare. An 83-year-old neighbor, Hattie Fields, said the couple had lived in the building for years. Police declined to identify the couple. "I've been here since 1965 and I can't remember if they were here then or not," she said.
Toronto police say robbers are squirting people with feces at cash machines to distract them before stealing their money. Constable Tony Vella said Friday that the robbers use squeeze bottles to squirt the victims who are making cash withdrawals. The offenders then help them clean the feces off their clothing, and in the process, they steal their money.Man Accused Of Setting Fire Over Late Dinner
He says groups of at least four suspects are usually involved. One person squirts the victim's clothing with feces, another points out the offending spot, a third person tries to remove it and the fourth person grabs their cash.
Student Defecates in Cup, Classmate Drinks It
Police in West Virginia said a man burned down his Sissonville home because he was angry at his wife for not having dinner ready.
The Kanawha County Sheriff's Department said [a woman] called a 911 emergency operator Sunday night and reported her husband, 60, had set fire to their home, Charleston Daily Mail reported Tuesday.
Deputy A.J. Miller arrived on the scene just before midnight and Beverly Jones told him she fled to a neighbor's house after an argument about dinner not being on the table and saw her husband exit the house after flames appeared in the basement. Jones said her husband had been drinking.
[A] South Jersey student allegedly defecated in a classmate's soda and those who laughed as the classmate unwittingly drank it. It happened March 29 inside a classroom at Haddon Township High School, authorities said.Inmate Kills, Butchers Deer Using Box Cutter
"Apparently once the victim drank from the cup, students in the classroom erupted in laughter," said Jason Laughlin, a spokesman for the Camden County Prosecutor's Office.
When a teacher found out the next day, Laughlin said, the accused 17-year-old was charged with aggravated assault and tampering with a food product.
The Washington State Penitentiary says an inmate on a work crew killed and butchered a deer that was entangled in netting at the prison's pheasant farm near Walla Walla. Spokeswoman Shari Hall says the minimum-security prisoner killed the deer last Saturday using a box cutter that the crew is allowed to use. Investigators acting on a tip Tuesday found about 15 pounds of venison in garbage bags in the farm's break room.
Hall says she didn't know what the inmate intended to do with the meat. The break room has no cooking equipment, and no campfires are allowed on the farm.
MEDICAL TREATMENT OF THE WEEK
People with serious and potentially fatal disease are always complaining. Oh I have Crohn's disease! Oh I have multiple sclerosis! Oh I have an autoimmune liver disease! If all you cripples would stop moaning and writhing about in agony for a second, you might actually learn about a certified organic (from the earth!) cure, which will literally suck your worried away. I'm talking, of course, about Helminthic therapy (also known as worm therapy). But don't run for the figurative hills just yet my diseased friend! Worm Therapy is not quite as sketchy as it sounds.
Here's a short FAQ to get you started.
Does work therapy mean I have to eat a hookworm or a ringworm something?I'm not gonna lie to you: Probably. Depending on where your particular disease is situated, you may either have to swallow the worm (esophageal tumor), snort it up your nose (sinus infection), allow it to push it's way into your belly button (stomach issues), or have a small colony of works injected into your anus *and thus lower intestine) with a thick tubelike needle. Then you should lie down and keep quiet so the worms can get to work.
How do I care for the worms?Well first you should know that you'll have to feed them. This means ingesting small handfuls of fresh soil at least twice a day. You can create a ball of dirt and coating it with a thin layer of dish soap if you're having trouble swallowing it. If any of your worms have medical conditions or developmental disabilities (such as ADHD or Seasonal Affective Disorder), you may also be required to crush up some tiny worm medicine pills into the dirt before you swallow it. This will trick the worms into taking their meds, thus keeping them healthy and productive.
Do I have to Go To Mexico For Treatment?The way your question is phrased belies your racist beliefs and hatred towards Mexicans. In case you were unaware, Mexican hospitals are some of the best in the southern portion of the portion of North America Just above Central America. They have doctors who attended college, and wash their hands with handsoap before many procedures. This is all that is required of a medical practitioner, and really, anything more than this is going to cost you the big garfonzo (this means "money" in Spanish). Don't worry about Mexican hospitals. I'm sure they are fine.
How long does it take to work?1 week to 3 years, depending on the quality of the worm and the patient's tolerance to excruciating pain and blindness.
How do I know this will even work?How do you know a Benadryl will help your allergies when you swallow it? How do you know an ibuprofen will cure your headache? How do you know drinking water will alleviate thirst? What a stupid question. It's all science.
What if I want to get rid of the worms?Not sure why you would want to do that, but I would assume that eventually they would just get tired of working and come out on their own. You may want to ask the doctor about this during your follow-up appointment. If the doctor doesn't speak english, try saying "Necesito impulso los escarabajos squrming de mi ano", which means "I must be rid of the bugs." He should be able to take it from there.
So if you're interested, click RIGHT ON OVER to their site for more information.
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