This just in! This just in! Hoarders Buried Alive Under Mounds of
Garbage! Kid Drinks Cup of Feces at Elementary School! Wild Animal
Shanked in Prison Yard! Drunk Arsonist Behaves Irresponsibly! Humans
Slurp Down Mexican Ringworms to Cure Diseases!
Alright, my use of "This just in" may have been somewhat disingenuous
since all this crap happened over a week, but I really just like typing
"This just in". This just in! This just in! Now If I could only work in
"stop the presses" somehow my life would be complete. Maybe another
WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEK
Fire crews investigating a mysterious stench found an
buried alive under mounds of garbage in their Chicago home, authorities
said Tuesday. The couple, in their seventies, were found Monday night,
fire department spokesman Larry Langford said. The fire department team
forced in the door of the South Side home and found an overpowering
smell, piles of food waste and trash.
Police had initially been called to the two-flat apartment building by
neighbors who had not seen the couple in some time and wondered about
their welfare. An 83-year-old neighbor, Hattie Fields, said the couple
had lived in the building for years. Police declined to identify the
couple. "I've been here since 1965 and I can't remember if they were
here then or not," she said.
Toronto police say robbers are squirting people with feces
machines to distract them before stealing their money. Constable Tony
Vella said Friday that the robbers use squeeze bottles to squirt the
victims who are making cash withdrawals. The offenders then help them
clean the feces off their clothing, and in the process, they steal
He says groups of at least four suspects are usually involved. One
person squirts the victim's clothing with feces, another points out the
offending spot, a third person tries to remove it and the fourth person
grabs their cash.
Police in West Virginia said a man burned down his Sissonville home
because he was angry at his wife for not having dinner ready.
The Kanawha County Sheriff's Department said [a woman] called a 911
emergency operator Sunday night and reported her husband, 60, had set
fire to their home, Charleston Daily Mail reported Tuesday.
Deputy A.J. Miller arrived on the scene just before midnight and
Beverly Jones told him she fled to a neighbor's house after an argument
about dinner not being on the table and saw her husband exit the house
after flames appeared in the basement. Jones said her husband had been
[A] South Jersey student allegedly defecated in a
classmate's soda and
those who laughed as the classmate unwittingly drank it. It happened
March 29 inside a classroom at Haddon Township High School, authorities
"Apparently once the victim drank from the cup, students in the
classroom erupted in laughter," said Jason Laughlin, a spokesman for
the Camden County Prosecutor's Office.
When a teacher found out the next day, Laughlin said, the accused
17-year-old was charged with aggravated assault and tampering with a
The Washington State Penitentiary says an inmate on a work
and butchered a deer that was entangled in netting at the prison's
pheasant farm near Walla Walla. Spokeswoman Shari Hall says the
minimum-security prisoner killed the deer last Saturday using a box
cutter that the crew is allowed to use. Investigators acting on a tip
Tuesday found about 15 pounds of venison in garbage bags in the farm's
Hall says she didn't know what the inmate intended to do with the meat.
The break room has no cooking equipment, and no campfires are allowed
on the farm.
MEDICAL TREATMENT OF THE WEEK
People with serious and potentially fatal disease are always
complaining. Oh I have Crohn's disease! Oh I have multiple sclerosis!
Oh I have an autoimmune liver disease! If all you cripples would stop
moaning and writhing about in agony for a second, you might actually
learn about a certified organic (from the earth!) cure, which will
literally suck your worried away. I'm talking, of course, about
Helminthic therapy (also known as worm therapy). But don't run for the
figurative hills just yet my diseased friend! Worm Therapy is not quite
as sketchy as it sounds.
Here's a short FAQ to get you started.
Does work therapy mean I have to eat a hookworm or a ringworm
I'm not gonna lie to you: Probably. Depending on where your particular
disease is situated, you may either have to swallow the worm
(esophageal tumor), snort it up your nose (sinus infection), allow it
to push it's way into your belly button (stomach issues), or have a
small colony of works injected into your anus *and thus lower
intestine) with a thick tubelike needle. Then you should lie down and
keep quiet so the worms can get to work.
How do I care for the worms?
Well first you should know that you'll have to feed them. This means
ingesting small handfuls of fresh soil at least twice a day. You can
create a ball of dirt and coating it with a thin layer of dish soap if
you're having trouble swallowing it. If any of your worms have medical
conditions or developmental disabilities (such as ADHD or Seasonal
Affective Disorder), you may also be required to crush up some tiny
worm medicine pills into the dirt before you swallow it. This will
trick the worms into taking their meds, thus keeping them healthy and
have to Go To Mexico For Treatment?
The way your question is phrased belies your racist beliefs and hatred
towards Mexicans. In case you were unaware, Mexican hospitals are some
of the best in the southern portion of the portion of North America
Just above Central America. They have doctors who attended college, and
wash their hands with handsoap before many procedures. This is all that
is required of a medical practitioner, and really, anything more than
this is going to cost you the big garfonzo (this means "money" in
Spanish). Don't worry about Mexican hospitals. I'm sure they are fine.
How long does it take to work?
1 week to 3 years, depending on the quality of the worm and the
patient's tolerance to excruciating pain and blindness.
How do I know this will even work?
How do you know a Benadryl will help your allergies when you swallow
it? How do you know an ibuprofen will cure your headache? How do you
know drinking water will alleviate thirst? What a stupid question. It's
What if I want to get rid of the worms?
Not sure why you would want to do that, but I would assume that
eventually they would just get tired of working and come out on their
own. You may want to ask the doctor about this during your follow-up
appointment. If the doctor doesn't speak english, try saying "Necesito
impulso los escarabajos squrming de mi ano", which means "I must be rid
of the bugs." He should be able to take it from there.
So if you're interested, click RIGHT ON OVER to
their site for more information.
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEW OF THE WEEK
WORST DRINKS IN AMERICA
HORRIBLY SEXIST VINTAGE ADS
NAME DRUGS VS GENERIC (INFOGRAPHIC)
This just in! This just in! Inessential Weekly Overview of Worthless
News Stories and Links Fizzles to a Close Yet Again!