There are certain types of hats that only old men can wear. Fedoras, for example. If you see an old man wearing a fedora, you'd probably think "Look at that old man in his fedora, I bet he used to wear that in the 50s!" but if you saw a 20 year old wearing one, your thoughts would almost certainly be along the lines of "Hey, check out that asshole the fedora. Who he think he is, Humphrey Bogart?"
I think my point is that we all wear different hats in life (Baker, Communist Dictator, Avant Garde Beard Trimmer) but no hat is so important as the hat a father dons the day his child is born (the hat of fatherhood). This hat is often a harbinger of male postpartum depression, so be sure and keep a close eye on the man, for the time being.
And now the news.
WEIRD NEWS STORIES OF THE WEEKToddler Totally Addicted to Cigarettes
A video of smoking [2-Year-Old] toddler is sparking outrage on the web. His parents say Rizal throws a tantrum when they refuse to give him a cigarette. His father gave him his first smoke when he was just 18 months old. The smoking toddler was witnessed by a reporter who recently visited his home in the fishing village of Musi Banyuasin, in Indonesia's South Sumatra province.Man Gets Probation In Dirty Diaper Theft
"I'm not worried about his health, he looks healthy," shrugged the boy's father Mohammad Rizal. "He cries and throws tantrums when we don't let him smoke. He's addicted."
An man accused of trying to steal dirty diapers from a home has been sentenced to 30 months of probation. [The man] was detained by the homeowner after entering an Amherst home last September. A Portage County sheriff's deputy found six dirty diapers in his pockets.Police Say Demented Woman Was Locked In Room For 3 Months
The complaint said he entered the house because he likes to wear diapers and thought there might be some in the house. According to the complaint, when asked whether he intended to steal dirty diapers, the man said "yes."
Three people kept a 65-year-old woman with dementia locked in a tiny room with a urine-soaked mattress to sleep on and a dog bowl to drink from so that they could live off her monthly Social Security checks, authorities said. A police officer sent to the suspects' home in Anderson on Thursday found [the woman] locked in the 6-foot by 8-foot storage room, police said in a probable cause affidavit.Yet Again, Gun Owner Accidentally Shoots Self In Groin
Carroll said the trio allegedly let her out of the room once a month and accompanied her to a store where she cashed her monthly check. He said they only gave her enough money to buy a pack of cigarettes.
A Washington state man accidentally discharged his gun at a Lowe's Home Improvement store and shot himself in the testicles, police said. Lynnwood police spokeswoman Shannon Sessions said the man was shopping at about 12:30 p.m. Sunday when his gun, which was in the waistband of his pants, went off in an apparent "accidental discharge," The Seattle Times reported Tuesday.Transgendered Men Go Topless At Beach
"It made a loud noise and scared a lot of people in the store," Sessions said. "I believe he shot himself in the testicles and he also had some injuries to his leg and foot. He was obviously in shock."
Rehoboth Beach in Delaware isn't a topless beach - but a few transgender men caused a stir by treating it like one. Police say passers-by complained after the men removed their tops and revealed their surgically enhanced breasts over Memorial Day weekend. A lifeguard asked them to put their tops back on. The men initially refused, but covered up before police arrived.Used Car Dealer Fails To Avoid Jail Using Voodoo
Even if they hadn't, though, Police Chief Keith Banks notes the men were doing nothing illegal. Since they have male genitalia, they can't be charged with indecent exposure for showing their breasts. Banks says there's no need for a specific law to address the issue.
Authorities say a used car dealer is headed to prison for fraud, despite attempting to place a voodoo hex on prosecutors handling his case in Los Angeles. Thirty-four-year-old Ruben Hernandez was sentenced Wednesday to 12 years after being convicted of using false Social Security information and bank statements to buy properties.Enterprising Man Scores Free Food At Strangers' Funerals
Authorities searching his home found a shrine with voodoo dolls dunked headfirst in cups of water with pins in their eyes. Officials say the case number and names of the prosecutor and investigators were written on the dolls.
Hernandez was convicted in May on four counts of filing a false application and three counts of grand theft.
Funeral directors in New Zealand say they are keeping an eye out for a man spotted crashing multiple funerals for the free food.
"He was showing up to funeral after funeral and, without a doubt, he didn't know the deceased," Langstraat said. He said the man, described as in his 40s, was respectably dressed and behaved as a mourner would until the time came to eat. "Certainly, he had a backpack with some Tupperware containers so, when people weren't looking, he was stocking up," Langstraat said.
Tony Garing, president of the Funeral Directors Association, said it would be difficult to legally ban someone from a funeral home.
"If it's in a church, or even in a funeral home, if a notice has been published in the paper it's essentially a public event," he said.
LAUGHABLY OVERPRICED FUTUREGADGET OF THE WEEK
DYSON AIR MULTIPLIER
You may have seen this thing floating around on the "overpriced shit nobody needs" blogs lately, and you may have said to yourself, "Why, it's a house fan!" But as you'll see, this is no ordinary fan: It looks slightly different, seems somewhat futuristic, and costs a lot of money. And while this may be enough to win over most causal gadget purchasers, the skeptics among you may immediately dismiss this product as a gimmicky, well-marketed, overengineered, & wholly unnecessary piece of plastic whose sole reason for existing is to separate easily manipulated "high-tech" consumers from the contents of their stainless steel wallets.
As usual, I leave it up to you to judge. Here are the features:
Bladeless DesignWell, sort of bladeless. There's still a small fan in the base which sucks in air and blows it into the FUTURE RING OF THE FUTURE, where it is then deflected towards you. Still, it does solve the age-old problem of dangerous, exposed fan blades. Another solution might be to invent some sort of cage which would stop objects or small children from entering the blades while still allowing air to pass through unimpeded. Hey, I can dream can't I?
No "Buffeting"What is buffeting? Well according to Dyson, "Buffeting is caused when conventional fan blades chop the air before it hits you". This is why, when you sit in front of a regular fan, you feel an intense "thup thup thup thup thup thup thupping" on your face causing loss of balance, sleeplessness, and an inability to concentrate on anything except for the relentless pummeling you are receiving from the fan. This is all due to buffeting. What do you mean "you never noticed that before and it sounds like absurdist marketing speak?" Obviously you are mistaken. The materials from Dyson clearly state that buffeting is a real thing. Why would they make something like that up? I am personally offended by your accusations against this fine company.
Quiet ComfortIt's pretty clear from the promotional photos that the Dyson fan is quiet. I mean look at it, it looks like a magnifying glass or a butterfly net or something. Those are usually pretty quiet, right? So just how quiet is the Dyson fan? Probably less quiet than a vacuum, that's for sure! Just have a look at a few (actual) quotes from satisfied Amazon Customers:
I own this Dyson fan - no doubt it will end up in the Museum of Modern Art. It is a beauty but the noise is terrible. I just wonder at the great effort to design this unit but to forget the most important part of the fan. Anyone I show it to immediately remarks on the noise. I kept it on its beauty alone.
I have very severe allergies and I cannot stand next to a regular fan for more than a few minutes. On the other hand, the airflow from this particular design doesn't bother me at all...However, I really cannot get over the noise it makes. Is not so much the loudness (other fans are much louder) but the type of noise it makes. I find it irritating at even the lowest setting.
The fluid dynamics of it are admittedly neat, but the engineering of the rest of the machine is where it falls flat for me. To keep it short, it hums. [The] noise, that constant hum--It's the kind of noise I find difficult to tune out when I'm trying to relax, sleep or work.
I realize that "whisper quiet" was not a claim that the packaging made, but I was still surprised by how noisy it was, to the point that it had to be turned off during phone calls, which was the deciding factor in sending it back. For a third of the $300 price tag, I replaced it with a Vornado air circulator, which does the same job, and at a tolerable noise level.
ValueBut none of these amazing features would matter in the least if the Dyson Air Multiplier was cockpunchingly overpriced. Thankfully, the engineering (and marketing!) geniuses over at Dyson have settled upon an honest price which is fair for everyone involved: $300. That's no more expensive than approximately three hundred cups of fairly inexpensive coffee! Well, I'm sold. Forget Playstation 3. Dyson air multiplier, here I come!
VIDEO OF THE WEEK
ALL CAPS CUSTOMER REVIEW OF THE WEEKEiffel 65 - Europop
LINK ROUNDUP10 CONTROVERSIAL BILLBOARDS
CREEPIEST KIDS CEREALS OF ALL TIME
REAL CITY BUS HORROR STORIES
BEGINNER'S GUIDE TO DUMPSTER DIVING
Welp, that about wraps up this week's edition of "shit I couldn't really fit in anywhere else". Fare thee well.