Welcome to this special XXXL edition of Weird News & Links. Because there were no updates throughout the last few days I've made sure to include 50% more content in this week's edition!* That's quite a value, and it all comes to you absolutely free of charge because of a generous eighteen cent donation made to this very site by our newest sponsor: Alpo brand dog slurry. Yes, Alpo. Alpo utilizes only the finest in horse meat for use in it's patented slurries, and with their all-new Perfect Strain Technology your canine companion will consume 32.6% less bone and gristle in each serving! Look for it in your grocer's freezer. Alpo: Makes Happy Dogs Happy.
*Statement may be untrue

Weird News Stories of The Week

Elderly Shoppers Brawl With Salami, Cheese in Supermarket
The incident began Saturday when a 74-year-old man and a 35-year-old woman engaged in a tug-of-war over an empty cart in the parking lot of a supermarket. The woman's 24-year-old brother punched the other man to the ground and the siblings proceeded into the store with their 53-year-old mother.

The man followed the trio into the store and attacked the 24-year-old using salami as a club. The mother used a piece of sharp Parmesan as a knife to jab at the man and she cracked her head on a glass counter top during the struggle.

Couple Puts Aborted Fetus in Gift Box Under Tree
A south Texas couple put an aborted 7-month-old fetus in a gift box under a Christmas tree after they were unable to flush the remains down a toilet, authorities alleged Monday. Police found the fetus inside the woman's trailer home Thursday after getting an anonymous tip.

Autopsy results are pending, but Gonzalez said police believe the woman used pills to induce an abortion Thursday, then called an ambulance after she began bleeding and told doctors she didn't know where the fetus was. The police chief said the couple tried to flush the fetus down the toilet, but that didn't work.

Team of Explorers Wrongfully Assumes People Give a Crap About Some Old Butter They Found
A restoration team [was far too excited when] they discovered two blocks of well-preserved New Zealand butter dating back nearly 100 years in an Antarctic hut.
"What's amazing is how strong that smells. Nearly a 100 years -- very, very strong, possibly a bit too strong?" said Lizzie Meek of The New Zealand Antarctic Heritage Trust [in a desperate attempt to ascribe some tiny sliver of significance to the utterly meaningless discovery].
"(It's) very exciting because there's such a strong connection with New Zealand and [blah blah blah blah blah, a bunch more stuff about butter]," Meek said [trailing off as a far-off look crept into the eyes of everybody in the room as several of them beginning to scratch absentmindedly at their necks, staring up at the ceiling or out the window].

Meek said the team plans to return the butter to its former location for another 100 years [and quietly stepped down from the podium without anybody even noticing].

Forgery Suspect Escapes from Prison Using Forged Papers
The Pinellas County Sheriff's Office said Nydeed Nashaddai, 44, of Pinellas Park, who was arrested in August for allegedly stealing and cashing checks, was released in October after someone filed a realistic-looking document with the Pinellas County Circuit Court Clerk's Office that bore the forged signature of a judge, the St. Petersburg (Fla.) Times reported Wednesday.

Nashaddai was released from the county jail and an automated phone call was made to his alleged victim, David Tomlinson, saying the suspect was being let out of jail.

Dead Woman Lies in Bed for 8 Months, Nobody Notices
New Hanover County Deputy Charles Smith said [the woman] likely died in May, before her 88th birthday in September. Her body was found after the 911 caller reported that an elderly woman in the home was unconscious and not breathing.
Caretakers had been going in and out of the house on a quiet cul-de-sac on a daily basis. He would not specify if the caretakers were family members but said they were not nurses. At least four other people also lived in the house, a neighbor said.

Murder Mystery Train Runs Over, Kills Man
The incident happened about 9:15 p.m., said Tony Schall, sheriff’s spokesman. The dinner train was heading south on the Seminole Gulf Railway toward Fort Myers, Schall said. “There was a male laying on the tracks for whatever reason, and he was run over,” he said.

A deputy on the scene said it appeared the man was alive and perhaps fell asleep on the tracks about a half mile north of Slater Road.

Drunk 4-Year-Old Boy in Dress Steals Xmas Presents
The child was found around 1:45 am Tuesday, wandering the streets of his neighborhood.  In a police reports, officers said he was wearing a little girl's dress and drinking a beer. The police report says the child had to be taken to the hospital to be treated for alcohol consumption.

Once out, Wright says her four year old followed his father's footsteps and was found on Blue Spruce Road, drinking. "He runs away trying to find his father," she said. "He wants to get in trouble so he can go to jail because that's where his daddy is."

Attorney Bites Off, Swallows Part of Man's Nose
A Memphis attorney bit off part of a man's nose during a fight in a restaurant bathroom. A lawsuit filed by Greg Herbers claims attorney Mark Lambert attacked him last June after Herbers asked two men in a bathroom stall to get out so that he could use it. The suit states that Lambert was at a urinal and had been carrying on a conversation with the men in the stall. Herbers claims Lambert pushed and grabbed him and bit off and swallowed part of his nose.

Beloved Image of The Week

 Bird Bus

Shitty Webpage of The Week

Ghosts of America
Ghosts of America
This site (like countless others) features photographic evidence of ghosts. Those who do not believe in the paranormal would do well to click through and view the astounding and ghastly images that have been collected by these dedicated hunters. Here are a few of the most shocking photos [WARNING NOT FOR THE FAINT OF HEART]:

Water Pot
Soiled Condom in Pot of [Ghost] Water

Terror Piano
  Poorly-Maintained Piano...OF TERROR  
Forest Walk
Ectoplasmic Yuppie on Forest Walk  

Blackness Ghost
Indistinct Grey Splotch in Pitch Darkness...OF THE DEAD  

Video of The Week


Product of The Week

Cadeau Collection Gift Basket - $75,000
Nothing says "I'm offensively wealthy and don't care enough about you to spend the time picking out an actual thoughtful gift and hopefully you'll be so shocked by the amount of money I spent on you that you'll confuse this mindless cash-squandering gesture with actual sentimentality" thank a $75,000 gift basket from Van's Gifts!
Here's just some of what's included:
Two first-class tickets to Paris, France
A Winery Tour [oh boy!]
A Bunch Bottles of Wine With French Names
Espresso Machine
More things with French names that I don't know what they are
A pencil [Brand Unspecified]
Additional Winery Tours [of some other wineries]
One Year of Ultimate Gift Baskets

I'm especially impressed by the originality of that last item. The last thing I would expect to receive in a gift basket is more gift baskets. I am certain that whoever receives this basket will be quite pleased. Well done, website which I forgot the name of and don't feel like glancing up to figure out, you've outdone yourself.

All Caps Customer Review of The Week

Kelis - Tasty
Kelis Tasty

That should take care of this week's strange happenings.
A thousands blessings upon you.