Evolutionary Cul-De-Sac

Your distinguishing characteristics:

Your distinguishing characteristics:

• You barely leave the house. When you do, it’s only to go buy more
  cheetos and mountain dew at the gas station 2 doors down. And you never
  walk there; you drive.

• Your idea of a strenuous workout is playing Dance-Dance revolution for 23 minutes once a month.
• The phrase you use or think most frequently is: “Regular people just don’t understand me!”
• You have spent an unhealthy amount of time considering what marriage to (or sex with) an animated character would be like.
• You haven’t shaved in 2-4 days.
• You haven’t yet had the chance to breed (with another
  non-animated human). This may not be a bad thing, unless your ideal
  future society is filled with emotionally stunted man children who
  spend all day at a smudged computer monitor in their underwear watching
  pirated Dragon Ball Z episodes.

Well, the only girl you’ve managed to get along with so far was the
preteen girl you met in that chatroom. When you agree to meet her at
her house and you arrive to find Chris Nelson from NBC’s To Catch a
Predator waiting for you, don’t bother running; the cops are waiting
for you outside.

You are not even remotely cool. Frankly, you are a mess! Maybe you
realize this, and maybe you don’t, but you really should try to repair
yourself.

My advice is that you appear on the daytime television show Jenny
Jones. This way, you will be able to get one of Jenny’s patented
“Extreme life makeovers”. Surely this will put your life back onto the
right track. Good luck!

(Editor’s Update: I have recently been informed that the Jenny Jones
television program has actually been off the air for a significant
number of years. I can’t think of any other advice, so just try not to
get hit by a truck I guess.)